BIG GUN SHOT The sentry challenged the uniformed figure that had just entered the camp.

"Major Jones," came the reply.

"Sorry, sir," said the sentry. "I can't let you proceed without the password."

"Oh, hell, I've forgotten it," snapped the major. "You know me well enough."

"Can't help it, sir," the sentry persisted. "Must have the password."

"Don't stand there arguing all night. Bill," came a voice from the guard room. "Shoot'im!"...
TWO CHOICES An Army volunteer sat down to his first meal in the mess. He surveyed his plate and asked the mess sergeant, "Don't I get any choice?"

"Yes," was the reply. "You take it - or you leave it."...
COLD WAR A soldier home from a station on the South Pole was asked if it was cold there.

"Horribly cold," he said. "They have no thermometer there, so it gets just as cold as it pleases."...
TELL-TALE SIGN Sergeant Holms stared at Private Rollinson for a while and commented: "Again drunk after your leave."

"Why, sergeant," tried to protest the soldier. "I'm sober as a judge!"

"Then why are you shaving your face in the looking glass?" remarked the observant noncom....
THAT'S THE ARMY ALL OVER The young soldier's first child, born in an Army hospital, was wrinkled, as newborn babies are likely to be.

"If that isn't just like the Army," remarked the GI, "to issue him a birthday suit that doesn't fit."...
BE MORE SPECIFIC After roll-call the sergeant prepared to assign details. He reached for his pencil. It wasn't in his pocket.

"It's behind your ear, sarge," a private volunteered from the ranks.

"Damn it, son," the top kick snapped. "Where is the military precision in your report? I'm a busy man. Which ear?"...
COMPLETE At the medical examination board at an Army reception center enlistees get an unsettling introduction to the military mentality. On the walls is this sign: "Please Disrobe To The Waist From Both Ends."
...
WARMER CLIMES PREFERRED A soldier stationed in Greenland wrote to his parents: "It is so cold here that nearly all the inhabitants have to live somewhere else."...
FORCE OF HABIT A sergeant was bawling out a bunch of rookies. He stopped before a married recruit and yelled:
"Stand up straight, keep your back erect, pull your stomach in, and button up your coat, private."

"Yes, darling," acknowledged the order the private absent-mindedly....
SURROUNDED "As I advanced the enemy shot me in the chest," reported the corporal.

"Sit down," said the lieutenant, "and tell me about it."

"I can't," said the corporal. "I also retreated."...
TRUE TO HIS SALT A personnel officer of a unit was recuperating from surgery. Flowers were sent to him, with an appropriate card signed by all the members of the department. He took a look at the card with all its signatures and announced: "We're overstaffed."
...
MAINTENANCE ADVICE A sign in a maintenance shop provides advice: "If it works - don't fix it."
...
STAGGERING The sergeant said at a kit inspection parade: "The stuff to be found in a soldier's kit bag is positively staggering."

A soldier commented: "And so is the bloke underneath."
...
ALL IS WELL Something had gone wrong with the truck. The driver. Private Gordon, climbed out of the cabin and after rummaging a bit in the motor, reported to the sergeant: "Everything is OK, sarge! But we can't go on any more. The gear box has gone U/S."...
PRECISE ATTENTION "Cadet Brown," snapped the instructor, "why aren't you listening?"

"Yes, I am, sir," protested the cadet.

"Then repeat my last words!"

"Cadet Brown, why aren't you listening?"...
LAWLESS PERIOD OF AVIATION HISTORY Some old aviators were talking about flying.

"I knew an inventor," said one of them, "who had an airplane that could stay in the air sixty-five days without any fuel."

"That's impossible," the man was told. "He'd have to come down on accounts of the law of gravity."

"Not that inventor. He went up before the law was passed."...
NATURE HAS ITS WAY An old salt saw a very sophisticated device aboard the ship.

"What's that?" he asked.

"That's the fog bell, sonar-operated, computer-assisted," was the explanation.

"No goodde. Lighthouses shine, whistle blow, bell ring, fog come all same," commented the old tar....
WEAVING In the airman's lingo there is a slang word (now a term) for a plane in the rear protecting the tail of the forward aircraft by zigzagging on the course ('weaving'). This plane is called a 'weaver'.

After some training exercise as a weaver the ser-geant was asked by his commander: "Where did you learn to weave so well, O'Brien?"

"When a boy I used to follow my old man returning home on Saturday nights from bars."...
STEEL NERVES At an arms shop the salesman asked the buyer: "Excuse me, sir, but what do you want that pistol for?"

"I'll run hot foot to bump off my damned neighbor!" replied the buyer with determination.

"Then I'd advise you to do it tomorrow morning. Accurate shooting needs steel nerves!"...
SOUND BARRIER Loud explosions rocked periodically some parts of the town, and an indignant lady telephoned police headquarters to find out what had happened.

She got the explanation that perhaps a jet plane had broken the sound barrier.

"If that barrier keeps getting in everybody's way," she said angrily, "why don't they take the damn thing down?"
...
RELATIVIST FLIGHTS
(a limerick) There was a young lady named Blight
Who could travel much faster than light
She departed one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night....
BOTH IN THE SAME BOAT The plane was doing some extraordinary aerobatics and the passenger became extremely nervous. At length, he leaned forward and said to the pilot:

"You seem to forget that I've never flown before."

"Well, what about it?" replied the pilot. "Neither have I."...
ALTERNATIVE A sailor asked his friend: "Where's Jimmy this afternoon on the shore?"

"If he knows much about boating as he thinks he does, he is out boating, but if he doesn't any more about it than I think he does, he's swimming."
...
THE GREAT LEVELLER A visitor to a certain airfield noticed that all the men had names displayed on the back of their ove-ralls: 'Spike', 'Hank', 'Killer', 'Al', and so on.

The visitor asked the man what the idea was.

"Oh, them names don't mean a thing, bud," was the reply. "We had'em all painted special so they could tell us in a glance, but what happens? The top kick comes around and calls everyone 'Joe'."...
NO VISIBLE MEANS OF SUPPORT A pilot landed his plane near a small town where nobody had seen any aircraft before. He was asked to explain flying procedures. After a lengthy and scientifically charged explanation a sweet young lady said: "Yes, I understand everything except for one thing."

"What's that?" asked the pilot.

"I can't make out what keeps it up?"...
CORRECT ORIENTATION As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."...
LAUNCHING A lady made a swing with her hand about to break a champagne bottle against the ship's bow at a launching ceremony. But the bottle hit on the head the Secretary of the Navy standing behind at the ceremony. Wits joked: "He is the first US Nav Sec launched."...
ONE POINT LANDING An airman rushed into the air traffic control point.

"Sir, Cadet Jones has just made a one-point landing!"

"What?" cried the instructor. "Where the blazes Is he?"

"Stuck on the church steeple, sir," specified the airman....
THE WAY TO THE STARS A girl asked her pilot-friend: "How did you become an airman, Fred?"

"Well, I just began at the bottom and worked my way up," answered the pilot....
PRECISE BUT LONG The sailor rushed up to his executive officer in great excitement. He stammered and stuttered. His exec lost patience with him and shouted, "Sing it out, sailor, sing it out!"

The sailor drew a deep breath and sang:

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And ne'er brought to mind?
The Admiral's fallen overboard -
He's half a mile behind."...

HOME