CHAIN OF COMMAND THE COLONEL TO THE EXECUTIVE:
At nine o'clock tomorrow there, will be an eclipse of the sun, something which does not occur every day. Get the men to fall out in the company street in their fatigues so that they will be able to see this rare phenomenon. Should it rain we will not be able to see anything, so take the men to the gym. ...
Sorry... Two members of the British Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. ...
AS PRECAUTION The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively: "Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself." ...
PROGRESSIVE REGRESS When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency: "This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle."...
Military Talk One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. ...
Old general The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex....
HIGH IQ At an Army reception center a volunteer was undergoing an IQ test....
Veterans Two veterans were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."...
Russian military humor - Sergeant, what should I do if my parachute won't open?
- Bring it back and I'll replace it. ...
MERE ACCIDENT Private Klouse was asked by the judge at the trial: "Why did you shoot at that sergeant?"...
We Remember 9-11...
Hillbilly's Letter Home from the Army Dear Ma and Pa...
The Image Of Rank...
French naval pun [Heard years ago on the BBC Radio 4 programme `Quote Unquote']...
What time is it? On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."...
Road accident There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. ...
Drunk recruit Ah Seng, a recruit, was a bit of a loner. He took to drinking heavily whenever he booked out for the weekend. One weekend, he returned so drunk that he was told to see the Commanding Officer immediately. "Look Ah Seng, why don't you shape up?" said the CO, who was something of a softie. "There is a real future for you here if you sober up. You could become a corporal, or even a sergeant! Isn't that something to look forward to?" Ah Seng replied,"Well, Sir, to tell you the truth, that's really not good enough for me because after a few glasses of Tiger, I feel like a colonel!"...
Army war game During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. ...
Do you have ticket? Some enlisted men were having trouble getting past the guard at the train station. He said that he couldn't allow anyone through without a ticket. Anyone! An officer came along. The guard explained, "Look, I like GIs. I mean, they're protecting us, but I have orders. They're trying to get on without a ticket."

The officer said, "Let me take care of this." Turning to the men, he barked, "Attention! Now forward march!"

Smartly, past a stunned guard, the men marched through the gate and onto the train. Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the officer on the back, saying, "You're terrific, sir. You're a great guy."

The officer said, "That's all right. I didn't have a ticket either!"...
The American Infantryman The following circulated among us MEN in the Army - just goes to show that we didn't take ourselves TOO serious: I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle! I sit tight, stoned out of my squach while my country's representatives meet the enemy face-to-face and will-to-will across the peace table. For two centuries I have been the weak link in our nation's defense, I am the Infantry! Follow Me?...
In the Navy As a midshipman I was assigned to a cruiser one summer. There was a boatswain's mate, happened to be black, named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches in-port on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics --- ...
Normal procedure A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions....
Harmonica A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica." ...
Prediction methods for MTBF By Stalker, Edward, Capt AFLMA...
Sister in the Army A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well, won't they find out?" The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"...
Airborne jump school After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well", he said, "it's three weeks long." "What else" , I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys", he said. "The second week , they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump"....
CLEAN SWEEPER Sergeant: "Did you sweep under those lockers?"

Barracks Compartment Cleaner (CQ): "Yep! Everything."
...
FRAGGING DRILL? The sergeant was holding a drill with recruits in grenade throwing.

"Here's a live grenade. You pull this pin, count one, two, three,' and throw the thing. Got it?"

"Yes, sergeant,"

"Off we go, men! Johnson, your are the first."

The soldier pulled the pin, then yelled: "One, two, lliree. Throwing. Catch it, sergeant!"...
JUST MESSING AROUND "Are you mess cooking here, boy?" a mess cook was asked by the officer.

"Yes, sir."

"Well, stop messing and start cooking."...
PRIORITY THING Private Fox was undergoing examination for the driver's permit.

"Well, private, what does the driver do first thing if on the move a tire of his truck goes flat?" asked one of the examiners.

"First thing, in such an incident, the driver curses strongly," replied the examinee....

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