Gunny's Beer Stop "Hello may I speak to the Commanding Officer of Fleet Marine Amphibous Group Six."...
Recipe for a Marine Wife 1 1/2 cups patience ...
Navy Food Service The Chaplain had been assigned TAD to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialsts) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingess to serve them will reap great benefits he told them. After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served....
Drill Sargeant's Rules ::: Military humor & jokes...
Snow job Airmen had to launch two E-3 AWACS from a National Guard base after a heavey snow strom. Well after a 5 hour delay waiting for the snow to be plowed of, they were able to take-off. The planes taxied off and stoped a hundred yards to the flight line. The civilians had forgot to finish the rest of the taxi way. ...
Gun Barrel A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?" ...
Gulf War Remembered! Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
A. Nothing, yet. ...
Seaman There was a Navy vessle sailing across the Pacific, when two killer whales saw the ship.
The male whale recognized the ship as being the one who killed his father, so he said to the female, "let's go over there and blow water out of our blow holes and flip the ship over.
The female agrees, and the swim over and blow water out of their blow holes until the ship flips over.
As they were swimming away, the male whale hears sailors talking and yelling "over here."
The male whale was really upset. He asked the female whale to go over there with him and eat those surviving sailors.
The female looked at the male whale and said very bluntly.
"Listen, I went along with the blow job, but I am not about to swallow any Seaman!!!" ...
God's Own ::: Military humor & jokes...
Russian military joke Two paratrooper recruits in a plane:...
"The Narvmy" ::: Military humor & jokes...
EXPLOSION DANGEROUS "You say you're not getting along with your sergeant," said mother to her son, home on leave after his first months in an Army training camp. "Why don't take him apart and speak to him?"

"When my serge hears my request I won't have to take him apart. He'll explode."...
TRICKS OF NUCLEAR WEAPONRY Sergeant Higgins finished the nuclear defense drill with his outfit.

"Have you got any questions, lads?" he asked.

"So in what position should I hold the submachine gun at the moment of the nuclear burst?" asked Private Glibson.

"You should hold your SMG on outstretched hands as far away from your body as possible."

"Why?"

"To keep the drops of the molten metal from your weapon from getting on your uniform and spoiling the government issue property," was the explanation. ...
FREEZING TEMPERATURES The unit was stationed somewhere beyond the Northern Circle.

"Cold isn't anything here," boasted on old-timer. "It was so cold in Alaska where we were, that the fire in the stove froze and we couldn't blow it out."

"That's nothing," said his rival in soldiering. "Where we were the words spoken by our commanders came out of their mouths in pieces of ice and we had to fry them to see what the orders were about." ...
RATHER A GIFT Recruits were shocked at the language the sergeant used in their unit. During a smoke break one young soldier asked: "Sergeant, where did you le-arn your language?"

"Learnit, hell, it's a gift," proudly informed the NCO. ...
REALISTIC ACTING The theatrical manager exclaimed: "Your last role was magnificent, Mr. Brown. You enacted so well that officer wounded on the battlefield. Your suffering looked very much like real."

"It was. I've got a large nail in my shoe."

"Well," said the manager, "for heaven's sake leave it in until the end of the run of the play." ...
Mess Decks I was passing through the mess decks when I saw one of the Petty Officers grab one of the Mess Specialists who was walking and tell him, "this is the worst meal I've ever eaten."...
To Beat a Dead Horse..... ::: Military humor & jokes...
Expectations While talking to a potential recruit, the military recruiter said, "Exactly what kind of job are you looking for in the military?"

The high school kid said, "I'm looking for something with an enlistment bonus of about $20,000, where I won't have to work too hard, and won't have to deploy overseas.

The recruiter said, "Well, what if I could hook you up with a skill that allowed you to come straight in as an E-7, where you'll only work weekdays, and you can have the base of your choice and stay there as long as you want?"

The young recruit sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The recruiter replied, "Yeah, but you started it." ...
Russian army joke - Who likes music? - asks a commander....
Old Navy Chief and Parrot The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot. ...
The Fighting Sailor In the 60's there was a Navy sailor who had for weeks been assisting in the landing of infantry in Vietnam. The sailor was fed-up with the work on the ship. He craved action, so he attached himself to one of the combat units and soon arrived at Hill 248.

There was hot action and the sailor distinguished himself so that he was decorated for outstanding bravery. But his absence was discovered back at the port. They determined where he was and wired that he be returned immediately.

The reply from the sailor's commanding officer read like this: "Your seaman is fighting on Hill 2' 48. He's doing a helluva job, been cited for bravery and decorated. You come and get him because we're afraid to go up after him!""...
Girl And Her New Army Boyfriend The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well last night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."

The doc asked, "What's his occupation?"

The girl said, "Army."

"Active or retired?"

"If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"...
HIS PRICE A ship commander was approached by a smuggler who wanted the captain to assist him in smuggling some contraband to a foreign port. The smuggler was to implement a cunning plan worked out by the mafia to smuggle some goods aboard war ships not subject to customs inspection.

The smuggler started by offering the captain $ 5,000, then $ 10,000 and then $ 15,000. At this moment captain whipped off his pistol and ran the smuggler off. When asked by his executive why he did it he explained: "The guy was getting close to my price!"
...
WONDERING MYSELF Two shipwrecked sailors met in the open ocean. Everyone was swimming on his own log.

"Hello," exclaimed the first, "Your ship has sunk?"

"Yes, a year ago."

"You don't say so? And you've been at the sea all this time?"

"Yes, and what about it?"

"How could you endure it for so long?"

"Wondering myself. It was so boring, on Sundays in particular... ."...
::: Military humor & jokes...
DOG WARS ::: Military humor & jokes...
ART OF MIMICRY An Army engineer visited a zoo with his little son for the first time in his life. ...
LAND ADMIRAL An admiral reprimanded a young sailor who failed to salute him somewhere in the street.

"Why don't you salute me, sailor?" he asked severely. "You know I'm an admiral."

"An admiral?" exclaimed the sailor in unfeigned surprise. "And I thought admirals never walk on land."...
Drill sergeant Drill Sgt. Meadows was celebrating his years and years of successful leadership.. His training and respect of his recruits had long been the talk of the town. No recruit ever talked back to him, no one ever talked about him. All his recruits did as he said the first time. He never had to ask them twice. His barracks was always the cleanest, the best, and his platoon was always the top in everything they did. In 10 years of his career no other platoon had ever toped his. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of his long and successful leadership. ...

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