Captured Cows President Lincoln was disgusted with the endless delaying tactics of General McClellan. The general continually refused to engage in battle with the rebels. And McClellan was equally scornful of President Lincoln.

Hence, when McClellan sent a nasty telegram to the President, "We have captured six cows. What shall we do with them," President Lincoln wired back "As to the six cows captured - milk them." ...
Women in the military A lady writes:
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'...
Australian Army Q. British General addressing Australian troops: Did you come here to die?
A. No mate, we came here yester-die ...
Changing underwear The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."
The troops start cheering wildly.
"Now the bad news," continues the Sarge. "Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."...
Your jeep stuck, sir? During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. 'Your jeep stuck, sir?' asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
'Nope,' replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, 'Yours is.'...
Erase A personnel clerk at Fort Meade received a document, initialed it and passed it on to the Duty Officer. It promptly came back with a note attached: "This document didn't concern you. Erase your initials and initial the erasure." ...
Who goes there? GUARD: "Halt! Who goes there ?"
ROOKIE: "Aw, you wouldn't know me. I just got here today." ...
Young naval student and old sea captain A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain....
Three knots After a lengthy tour of sea duty, an old sailor finally gets some shore leave. Fortunately, a nearby brothel had been recommeded to him by some of his younger shipmates....
Doc The Navy always tries to discourage "sick call" to keep the sailors on duty. Two Corpsmen were standing around when a new Seamen entered Sick Bay. The sailor asked if the ship's doctor was any good....
Army like a blow job Q: How is being in the army like a blow job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. ...

Diggin' A Grave Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!"

"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."

"Mule!"

"Donkey!"

Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?"

"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."

"Donkey, dammit!"

The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."

An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"

"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole." ...
Q&A Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major. ...
Too Much Skin As part of combat team training, we were made to crawl on our backs under barbed wire while bullets were being fired above us. The training instructor continually screamed at us to "get down!" Near the end of the exercise, the instructor shouted to one soldier, "Why aren’t you crawling lower?"

"Because," the trainee said, "my skin keeps getting in the way!"...

How many Warrant Officers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer #1
Two, the W1 changes the bulb, while the 'Chief' reminisces about how hard it used to be when he was coming up.

Answer #2
None! Warrant Officers aren't afraid of the Dark! ...
Military Jokes. Military humor. General and the Pilot...
The Chairman of the JCS ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
Two brothers Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."...
Military Funnies ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
You had better be the first one off that ship A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do "it" as soon as I step ashore."
The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply: "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D. cards."...
Recreational facilities ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
Death Or Bunga ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
Military School One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts. "Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"
The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to a military academy. Six months later the boy came home, and the father decided to take him on another busride. Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"
"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the ass on that bus driver!"...

Cold War ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
Military Mottoes MARINES - OOHRAH!
ARMY - HOOAH!
AIR FORCE - AIR POWER!
NAVY - RULER OF THE SEAS!
COAST GUARD - " BAYWATCH " !...
HMS None The NATO fleet was at a U.S. eastern port. An RN (Brit.) ship was next to a much larger USN one. The USN crew hung out a sign that said `Second to None.' The RN crew then hung a sign that said `HMS None'....
It was announced that the Clinton Administration, in its on-going efforts to feminize all branches of the military, especially the the Marine Corps, suggested that all male members of the military should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The Clinton sponsored theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 Marine enlisted men and senior officers were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned...
Just prior to qualification with the M1 in boot camp we were zeroing in our rifles.
After each round and before the target was marked the range instructors would ask where on the target(your sight picture) you thought it was. He would then advise how many clicks of elevation or windage was needed, and the process would be repeated until you were making bulls.
A boot from the deep south was asked, "OK, PVT where did that one go?" With a thoughtful drawl he responded, "Cain't rightly say Sir, but it left here in a Hell of a hurry."

A girl and a navy pilot are talking in a bar. The girl says, you know I think that navy pilots must have the hardest jobs in the military. I never could understand how they can get those boats to fly....
Military Jokes. Military humor. Attack Aviation...

British Military Performance Reports
The following are actual excerpts taken from British Military performance reports:His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity...

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