Applause for the stripper The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town. ...
Truth in Labeling My daughter recently bought a cap at an Army-navy surplus store, and I was startled to note that the label attached to it was almost bigger than the cap itself. Possible indicating the direction in which increasing government regulations are taking all of us....
SAFE FALL Paratrooper Hooley had a delayed opening of his chute during a training jump resulting in a heavy impact on landing....
Military Medical Research RESEARCHERS BAFFLED ...
AS CONVENIENT The ship was en route at sea and the skipper wanted to make the several time zone changes as convenient as possible for the ship's routine. His memo to the navigator read simply: "July: Sunrise. I would like to have sunrise at about 05.45 on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Please arrange this." ...
Military Intelligence A ways back, when we were debating whether a particular patient's very strange answers on the mental status exam warranted a workup for a possible brain lesion (sadly these days not at all an unlikely proposition), our attending related a true-life parable from a simpler time. As he tells it:...
LONG FORMULA The instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"

"Sure. That's easy," said one man.

"What is it?"

"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."

"What, what?" reasked the instructor.

"H to O," explained the chemistry expert....
A military tale Remember "heads and beds" when the XO comes down to berthing and looks around with flashlight and little mirror? ...
CHOICE Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."...
Military Policeman at the Pearly Gates St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates when a man walked up. ...
ANTICIPATORY REACTION It was the visiting Admiral's wont to appear on the bridge during the dog watches and order 'Man overboard'.

A sub-lieutenant thoroughly briefed the bridge staff on what to do in the case of 'Man overboard' being exercised.

The next evening the Admiral duly appeared and said, "Good evening, Sub." Immediately six short blasts were sounded, the lifeboat alarm pealed, Flag Oscar broke at the yard arm, and two lifeboats floated majestically astern.

When the noise had abated, the Admiral enquired, "What's the devil happening?"

A red face Sub was heard to reply timidly, "You did say 'Man overboard', didn't you?"...
5 Soldiers 6 Police 0 Brains (Early 70's, Belfast, Northern Ireland) ...
THE BEST FOR THIS RANK Knowing that one of the clerks in the local haberdashery was a recently retired Navy chief, a sweet young thing thought he'd be just the person to help her.

"I'm going up for June week at the Naval Academy," she told him, "and I want to buy something appropriate for a brand-new ensign. What do you suggest?"

"Arsenic, young lady, arsenic," he retorted....
No Eating or Drinking Allowed Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer proudly pointed out that the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. ...
Wrong bitch...
Military Intelligence My uncle Jack served in the late 60s on the aircraft carrier USS Ranger, CVA-61, in the Tonkin Gulf off the east coast of Vietnam. Having spent his youth with Ham radio, he became an electronics technician. He came aboard fresh from high school, Basic Training, and the US Navy's radio repairman's school....
WRONG(CORRECT) NAME A boy heard the term "retired admiral." He repeated it elsewhere "retarded admiral." ...
Top 10 Signs You Work in the Military of the Nineties 10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their processes....
WESTERN? An Army truck driver was driving the wrong way on a one-way street and was hailed by a MP cop who barked, "Hey, didn't you see the arrows?"

"Honest, Officer," the driver drawled, "I didn't even see the Indians." ...
Implementation of the Plan... or How Shit Happens In the beginning, there was the plan. ...
"Soft" Warship Names Prompts Letter From Angry Sailors...
PRECISION "What is the distance from the ship to the target?"

"15 miles 10"

"Why?"

"10 to the bow and 5 to the aft."...
"OH CAPTAIN, OH CAPTAIN!..." A green sailor, crossing the Atlantic for the first time, woke up the second morning and anxiously inquired his mate.

"Do you think we're on time?"

The man peered out of the porthole and solemnly declared: "No, we're about twenty minutes late."

The great brain took this right in stride. "Wonder what caused this delay?" he mused.

The old salt suggested: "May be the captain fell overboard."...
Top Ten ways to tell you're gonna have a rough time in the Navy if you're a woman. 10. You're the only female invited to the next Tailhook Convention.
9. The Captain invites you to his room to play "Upscope."
8. The first ship you're assigned to is called a Frigate.
7. Your welcome package includes a bumper sticker which says,"If this ship's rockin' don't come knockin'.
6. You're always volunteered to be the CPR dummy.
5. You THOUGHT they said "All hands on DECK."
4. Your water survival gear consists of a thong bikini and a bottle of Coppertone.
3. The pilots practice their carrier landings while pretending you're an aircraft carrier.
2. You're assigned to a submarine and you hear someone say "going down" even after you're underwater.
1. Your room is equipped with a 17 inch Admiral, and you find out it's not a television set....
BRAVERY AND CAUTION Private Brown asked his friend of long Army experience: "Do you know, Ted, what's the difference between 'bravery' and 'caution'?"

"Bravery is like coming over to Sergeant Jilberts and telling what in hell you really think of him for everybody to hear."

"And 'caution'?"

Tell him the same but on the phone." ...
OPTIMISTS AND PESSIMISTS An optimist is a soldier who knows that the command "Shun" will be followed by an "At ease" command; a pessimist is defined as a soldier who is aware of the command "At ease" being followed by a "Shun."...
RECONNAISSANCE NEGLECTED The commander was having four Rangers from his unit on the carpet.

"Well, lads, how do you explain your disgraceful conduct last night when all four of you took to flight from one drunk infantryman with a toy pistol?"

"We failed to find out which of us he was after, sir."...
IDENTIFICATION BY FIRE The commanding officer of unit in the local garrison received a telephone call from the manager of the city bus company. "Sir, it's outrageous! Whenever city bus 14 passes your unit barracks your men shoot at it with all weapons!"

"Do they hit it?"

"Fortunately they do not hit people. But they hit bus tires with remarkable accuracy."

"Accuracy? Then they are not my men. Most of my men are professional bolos."...
STATE AND MILITARY SECRETS Two American citizens met in the street.

"Hello, Henry. Where do you work?"

"It's a state secret..."

"And what do you produce?"

"It's a military secret. How can you expect me to tell that. I can only tell you I get a buck for a hand grenade produced."...
COMMON GOAL Colonel Gregory on the board of officers was interviewing an applicant for OCS. He asked him his favorite question: "Soldier, what are we all in the US Army for? What goal we're working for?"

"Oh, to retire, sir," was the immediate reply....
WHAT MEANING? A sailor's wife received a card from her husband posted in a foreign port.

"A day's shore leave here," it said, "enjoying little syncopation."

On looking the word up in the dictionary she found the definition read: "Syncopation -- an uneven movement from one bar to another."...

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