Compassionate Leave A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of." ...
Similar Civilian Gig A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army," the general said. "Nothing to it--you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you!" ...
Jumpers The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,' " the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary." ...
Admiral's Secret To Success For his thirty years in the Navy, the Admiral had always carried a little book in his pocket. Every time, before he would leave the bridge, he would open his little book, mumble something under his breath and then go out with his men.
His fellow officers were always curious as to what special prayer this great man felt was so important that he read it every time before he would leave his post. At his retirement party they devised a plan to get a look at his book. Much to their surprise, the only thing written in this little, well-worn book of advice was:
Remember, the right side of the ship is starboard, the left side is port. ...
Letter A young French soldier, confined to a Nazi prison camp, sent the following letter to his home:
"Dear Folks:
This is a beautiful camp. The Nazi officers in charge of us are perfect gentlemen. We get fine food and lots of it, and they have great entertainment arranged for us every night. I couldn't be happier.
Your loving son,
Francois
P.S. Uncle Pierre was shot last night for complaining....
First Aid A group of U.S. soldiers arriving in Macedonia found themselves taking a surprise refresher course on first aid. Following an involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided to determine how well the class had grasped the information given.
"Jones," he said, pointing to one of the solders, "say your platoon leader sustains a head injury during a cross-country march. What do you do about it?"
"That's easy, Sir," said Jones. "I wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops."...
First Jump At the conclusion of his lecture to a group of young recruits, the legendary paratrooper asked for questions. A hand shot up. "What made you decide to make that first jump, sir?"
Without hesitating, the paratrooper replied," An airplane at eighteen thousand feet with three dead engines."...
You might be a bad troop if .... ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
An insider's view of life in East Timor..... ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
HOW TO BE ANNOYING DURING THE AIR FORCE STATIONARY BIKE TEST ...
The pearly gates ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
It Can't Get Any Worse A C-141 was preparing for departure from Thule Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, but the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his lack of speed and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule and I am pumping sh*t out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish me?" ...
Horny Seamen Solution ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
Top Ten Signs A Guest At Your Memorial Day Barbecue Is A Spy 10. He introduces himself as "00-Larry."
9. Keeps whispering into the potato salad.
8. Embarrassing slip up -- refers to A-1 Sauce as "The B-1 Bomber."
7. Seems oddly knowledgeable about who wants a burger and who wants a hot dog.
6. Kid who beats him in sack race sent to Siberian prison.
5. Asks if the hibachi has a gyroscopic laser guidance system.
4. Wears an apron which reads, "Kiss the spy."
3. You ask him how he likes his burger -- he bites down on a cyanide tablet.
2. After a couple drinks starts telling you nuclear launch codes.
1. He seems awfully interested in the Titan missiles you keep in the shed.
...
Truly superior pilots are ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
Ah - the Navy - It's an adventure ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
Patton & St. Peter ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
CHEEK ADDED TO OFFENSE (or Insult to Injury) The company commander was furious.
"What's the trouble, sir?" inquired the first sergeant.
"I've got a wire from Private Smith," replied the enraged officer, "and he wants an extension in his AWOL."
...
The GI In Vietnam "How can you tell a Viet Cong from a patriotic South Vietnamese?" the nervous private asked the seasoned sergeant.
"Simple," the sergeant drawled. "You just holler, `To hell with Ho Chi Minh!' and see how he reacts."
A few days later, while visiting the company hospital, the sergeant saw the private lying in a bed, badly battered. "What happened to you?" the sergeant asked. "Didn't you remember to do what I told you?"
"Sure I did," the private answered weakly. "I saw this guy coming out of the brush and I yelled, "To Hell with Ho Chi Minh!"
"And What happened?"
"He yelled back, `To hell with L.B.J.!'--and while we were standing in the middle of the clearing shaking hands, a tank ran over us!"
...
GENIUS A staff officer complained: "It was a genius who developed a machine which could calculate every day the total amount of toilet paper used by the entire US Army; but it was a damn fool who ordered staff people to keep track."...
CORRECT ESTIMATE OF THE TERRAIN The students of an officer candidate school were sitting on the ground in an open area during a class in infantry tactics.
The lecture was on the placement of weapons in various types of terrain. Throughout, one member of the group dozed peacefully.
Without warning, the instructor called the dozer's name. Nudged by a companion, he jumped to his feet in time to hear the instructor ask him to look around and give a terrain evaluation.
The student gazed around and then proclaimed:
"Well, ten dollars an acre would be all right."...
You Might Be A Crew Chief If.... ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
PRIVATE JONES
(Where Is Privacy for a Private?) With a horde of men I drive a jeep;
With a mob of chaps I try to sleep;
An army accompanies me to mess;
A platoon's around me when I dress;
With a battalion I drill all day;
With a company I eat and play;
Men to left and men to right;
Men around me day and night;
The Army — I can take it, see,
But the thing that murders me,
The irony that stabs my bones.
Is this: they call me PRIVATE Jones!...
It does look like... A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island. One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" "What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't making love." "Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were." Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. "By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It does look like they're making love down there."...
UNIQUE OCCASION A soldier has his tooth extracted at a field hospital. When asked: "Was it painful?" he replied: "It hurt. But it was worth it just to hear an officer tell me to open my mouth."...
FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT The conversation was overheard between a tough veteran sergeant and a shavetail.
"Sergeant, since the atmosphere off duty should be informal, why don't we just call each other by our first names? Mine's Bill, what's yours?" suggested the shavetail.
Without hesitation the reply came: "Okay, mine is sarge."...
REVERSING THE FRONT After a rigorous drilling program a group of ROTC cadets was about to board the trucks back to the barracks. Just for fun, the cadets got into formation with their caps on backward.
The lieutenant in charge was indignant at the breach of military decorum and dressed down the cadet leader, Cadet, I want to see those caps facing front immediately!"
Unshaken, the young cadet captain called his group to attention, then commanded: "About face!"...
REALISTIC DEMONSTRATION The order was to account for the round consumed by a sentry on duty in a camp in the desert—by turning in the empty cases and showing what he had shot.
One morning the officer in charge found a shoe box tied with string on his desk. Upon opening it, he discovered five empty shells, a live rattlesnake and a note. Said the note: "I missed."...
EVERYTHING BY ORDER New soldiers walking along the street on pass noticed a car stuck in a mud-filled ditch. A dull sergeant, identifiable by his 'Smokey the Bear' hat, was attempting to free the vehicle by himself.
"Say, isn't that our drill instructor!" asked one of the group.
"Hey, it is," remarked another. "Think we should give him a hand."
"Naw," replied the first trainee. "If he really wants his car out of the ditch, he'll order it out."...
You Might be a Tanker, if: ::: Military Jokes. Military humor...
HIS PRIVATE HOLIDAY At the conclusion of the evening service in an Army unit, the chaplain turned to the soldier congregation and inquired, "Does anyone have a birthday today?"
One newly-enlisted man happily stepped forward and said, "I do, Chaplain."
The Chaplain replied, "Good! You can blow out the candles."...

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