1. Infantrymen know everything and require no specialist
advice at any stage.
2. When infantrymen are offered advice by mistake, they will
humour the speaker but are astute enough to detect that there is
always a hidden agenda driven by laziness or lack of manliness.
3. The monsoon will not stop the engineers from working in East
Timor - they are just lazy and will use it as an excuse to stop
work.
4. If the infantrymen didn't see it in war movies or commando
comics, then you can't bring it into a theatre of operations. So
even after two months without decent sanitation, you can't bring
portaloos here ('cos they are like what you have at the Show and
that, not in a war).
5. The genetic code in DNA that determines memory has a part of
the double helix that links ability to recall everything
perfectly with being the senior rank in the room. Junior ranks
automatically have an inferior powers of recall, especially
relating to verbal tasking for things that screwed up. This is
compensated for by highly developed 'blame receptors' in those
same junior ranks.
6. You can go running around the InterFET precinct in your PT
gear with just your rifle but if you're in DPCU, you NEED your
webbing. This applies even if your OFOF and ROE imply that if you
get through the thirty rounds in your magazine, you are going to
need a lawyer far more urgently than you'll need your webbing.
7. If you run 10 km for your own PT, you're not part of the team.
If you play minor team games with the HQ once a week, you're part
of the team.
8. All rubbish can be heaped into large piles and burnt - no one
will think that InterFET is the same as the TNI and militia for
setting fire to everything.
9. Supporting 4500 troops can be done without spending money. If
anyone comes to you with a request to do something that costs a
lot of money, it is obviously not required.
10. Stores procured from within the system do not cost the
taxpayer anything; these can be wasted with gay abandon.
11. When a senior infantry officer talks to you about sport,
frame your answers very carefully; he is actually assessing your
professional competence.
12. You can tell whether your subordinates are good operators -
if they follow the same sports and teams as you.
13. If you don't get a chance to assess someone's military
competence by talking to them about sport, just check out their
dress and equipment. Anyone with trial boots or chest webbing is
bound to be a good operator.
14. Just because you tell soldiers to be self-sufficient for 30
days with razors, boot polish, soap etc, doesn't mean that the
system should resupply them with these items by about (say) 45
days.
15. Water quality is a democratic issue. The SMO should not be
allowed to unilaterally dictate whether the water is safe to
drink just because he is a pathologist.
16. Officers don't need to do first parade services. In fact a
vehicle will run forever without servicing or even fuel if you
have a senior officer driving it.
17. Gen sets have all the properties of vehicles (see no. 16
above) except officers don't know how to start them.
18. You can't use contractors to do work in a theatre of
operations (see no 4.). The men disguised as contractors that
work for the UN, MSF, Oxfam, ICRC, ACF, WFP, CARE and the US Navy
are simply imposters.
19. You can't manage UN contracts that benefit the force and the
UN (it might confuse people who have read no. 18). What you can
do is take so long to approve the use of contractors that the
work is starting just as you hand over to the UN and redeploy,
and no-one in the force gets to benefit.
20. No-one can go back to Darwin. Not even to conduct liaison
with the contractors who are supplying us stuff from Darwin but
not delivering it here because they are not allowed in theatre.
Darwin is a city with showers and beer and is not like anything
seen in war movies or commando comics (see No. 4).
21. Ability to speak a second language is not a prerequisite for
selection as a Military Liaison Officer (Asian Studies should do
the trick).
22. You only need to learn one phrase of Tetum (the local
dialect) to be considered worldly, broadminded, multi-talented
and of great humanitarian spirit. There is no need to learn any
phrases from the native languages of the sixteen other nations
contributing to the force; they are just dagos, frogs, slopes and
kaffirs.
23. If a foreigner can't understand you in English, just speak
louder until they understand. They are just deaf.
24. All members of the force are to have sleeves down after dusk
to minimise the risk of mosquito borne disease; except females
who can wear boxer shorts and singlets because they are naturally
immune to Malaria and Dengue Fever.
25. All units and sub-units in theatre are to have a minimum of
two females to ensure that the CIS guys come around and hook up
the phones and LAN connections.
26. There is no need for females to refrain from patting cute
dogs with rabies, even when the hospital is out of rabies vaccine
due to people being bitten. Women are naturally immune to rabies.
27. All-Corps responsibilities such as wiring and sandbagging are
an engineer responsibility.
28. If one of the national contingents is banned from eating in
the kitchen by their MO due to what they consider unacceptable
standards of hygiene and sanitation, this is no cause for
concern; they are just paranoid. There is no need to review the
situation and if the Prev Med people and Engrs provide their
assessment, don't read it - they are just trying to show off by
using a lot of big words (like 'dysentery' and 'botulism').
29. It's perfectly sensible to offload a CPC from an aircraft
bound for an operational area in order to load 10 tonnes of
bottled water, because water is a higher priority.
30. If a monsoonal downpour starts during a meal time, the
kitchen can be closed straight away. People's hunger will
immediately disappear whenever it rains. In fact, most people
won't need any nourishment during the wet season. Those who do,
are always willing to survive on what they are sent in parcels
from home.
31. If you can't get the stores you requested for several weeks,
this does not indicate a problem with the movement system. There
is a phenomenon similar to the Bermuda Triangle between Darwin
and Dili where anything ordered on an OPDEM will mysteriously
disappear. Ships and aircraft that pass through this zone will
arrive half empty.
32. Cancelling up to 10 scheduled C-130 flights per day has no
significant effect on the movement of urgent stores as they would
not have arrived anyway (see No. 31).
33. Workshop people manufacturing major spare parts for B and C
vehicles is no indication of a repair parts problem. Craftsmen
are so-called for a good reason. They'd prefer to manufacture
wheel rims from scrap metal than get them through the system. It
allows them to showcase their skills.
34. Engr Construction work is not stores-intensive. COs and OCs
of engr units are just human bower-birds that love to collect
equipment for no reason; the more costly, bulky and difficult to
ship from the other side of the world, the better.
35. Any small luxuries that are announced in the conferences
(such as R&R visits to warships or issues of new boots)
should not be communicated to the sub-units; this will mean less
for the headquarters staff.
36. Mistakes by the HQ staff should not be swept under the
carpet. Every effort should be made to blame them on units and
sub-units unless there is irrefutable evidence to the contrary,
in which case they should be swept under the carpet.
37. When you instigate a force rotation plan, kill two birds with
one stone by making it an initiative test. Insert random serials
like loss of passenger manifests, cancelled aircraft,
insufficient accommodation, a new DP1 list. Throw responsibility
for resolving the issues back onto the individual and then don't
allow them access to phones. Above all, ensure the incoming
people arrive late to miss the scheduled handover. This will
ensure that only the best people make it into theatre.
38. Special Forces personnel are unable to tell you anything,
ever. Even if they require support from you, you will need to
bring a Mind Reader or Psychic, in order to work out what it is
they want.
39. Special Forces personnel are impossible to pick from other
military personnel. Soldiers who carry an MP-5, with long hair
and a beard like Moses, blend in perfectly in any environment. An
attitude like a night-club bouncer on speed will add even more
credibility to the disguise.
40. Units must not be allowed to do their own thing with kitchens
and ablution facilities. Units that come self-sufficient are a
burden on the logistic system.
41. Simply saying "well, there's a Lesson Learnt" is
the perfect excuse for any amount of incompetence or even
negligence, no matter how predictable the supposed 'lesson' may
have been.
42. The results of any 'Lessons Learnt' must not be implemented
until after an operation, otherwise the true value of the lesson
might be diluted or lost altogether.
43. Deadlines that are physically impossible can be made feasible
by simply raising your voice and making a chopping motion with
the right hand into the palm of the left. This simple technique
has been known to make ships and aircraft achieve record times on
regular runs.
44. Farewells are the military's version of what the aborigines
(and Dale Kerrigan) call 'The Dreaming'. During farewells,
everyone suddenly "enjoyed their time, worked with a great
team, learnt a lot and achieved all their aspirations".
45. When you let a contract for support to a deployed force,
ensure you appoint someone from a different field of expertise in
(say) Melbourne to make key negotiations with tenderers and
administer the contract. People on the ground rarely know what
their own real needs are. What is required is a 'clean slate'
approach, unhindered by any unpalatable truths that might limit
decision-making.
46. If and when you get to use contractors, treat them like the
prodigal son. Give them as much support as possible (especially
any costly stores they forget to procure) and rearrange your own
operations and admin activities to suit them and help their
balance sheet. After all, you are paying them.
47. Teaching Timorese children to chant "Aussie, Aussie,
Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi!!" is a great way to ensure that a
generation of Timorese will grow up thinking of Australians as a
clever and sophisticated nation with respect for the culture of
our neighbours.