Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said "those are deer tracks." The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.
...
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:

"Change your course ten degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
...
Military jokes and humor...
PRECISION IN REPORTING A outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice.

"Are you hurt?" asked another.

"I don't know yet," a weak voice was heard, "am still falling!"...
PUSH-BUTTON WAR A GI was asked by his friend: "Jack, what's your idea of automation in the Army?"

"It's when the soldier has nothing to do in combat but pressing buttons of a computer. His job will be done by some robots."
"That is not all. Complete automation means that buttons will be pressed by robots."
...
SPECIAL ORDERS Sergeant Stymson was examining a recruit's knowledge of the sentry's special orders.

"Suppose you stand sentry at night and see a suspicious shape crawling past your post. What will you do?"

"I'll rush to help Captain Brown to get to his bed, sergeant."...
NOT A BIG MOUTH A st asked a GI at a bar: "Are there many soldiers like you in your division?"

"What kind of questions you're asking?" the GI exclaimed with menacing looks. "Do you think a GI doesn't know about keeping military secrets and may blurb out to any st that there are 15,000 men in the division?"...
  A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him: hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The sailor says: yeah well, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.
...
PRAISE?

"John Gammon is known as the saltiest cook in the Navy."...
Sub Math The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School....
On guard duty The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for awhile, but about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-amen!" ...
Good trade ::: Military jokes and humor...
Not so fast A Marine Drill Sergeant, known for his insensitivity and tough demeanor, during roll call one day ended his talk with, "Oh, by the way, Kowalski, your mother died last night."

A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same manner, "Don't bother calling home this week Johnson, your house burned down last night and killed your entire family."

Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called in Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counseled him, instructing him to be a bit more sensitive to the men.

So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's grandmother, he decided to try another ploy. "Okay, men. Everyone whose grandmother is still alive, take one step forward. Not so fast, Lazinsky....." ...
Captain The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote:

The first mate was drunk today.

He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be deleted. The first mate decided to get even.

The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote:

The captain was sober today. ...
Bring me my brown pants! ::: Military jokes and humor...
A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy, seeing the young Lt.'s green uniform asks him if he was in the Army. The Lt. smiles and say's, "Why yes I am...you wanna wear my hat?" The boy nods and the hat is placed on his head. As the boy admired himself in the mirror, the bathroom door slammed open and an old Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt walked in. He was decked out in his Dress Blue Uniform, with medals down his chest. The boy, seeing the uniform asked him, "Hey, are you a Marine?" The Gunnery Sgt peared down at the boy and responded, "That's right! Why? Do wanna suck me off?" The boy replied nervously, "I-I-I'm not in the Army!! I'm just wearing his hat!!"...
The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"

He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..." ...
There's TWO of them! ::: Military jokes and humor...
BRAIN WAVES IN COMMUNICATIONS Private Hudson from a signal unit reported to the commander: "Sir, I have developed a powerful radio set which can receive all stations in the world."

"That sounds promising, Hudson," remarked the commander.

"But the set has only one defect," continued the inventor.

"Which one?"

"It receives all those stations all at once."
...
ONE AND ONE EQUALS THREE A boatswain gave the following order in the assignment of working parties: "Half of youse for'rd, half of youse aft; and the rest, come with me."
...
BETTER VIEW At a topography exercise the instructor remarked: "Morris, I told you to show lakes on the map and you've climbed a hill."

"Yes, sir, but the hill allows a better view of the terrain."...
REDUCING The unit commander summoned Sergeant Lawrence: "Sergeant, you're terribly overweight?"

"Yes, sir."

"We have to resort to drastic reducing measures, sergeant."

"Yes, sir."

"We'll start you out slowly - skip breakfast, lunch and dinner and only then supper!"...
NO PLEASURE A captain of the head was once brought to the mast to make a report against him. When the OOD inquired what was the nature of the offense the captain of the forecastle answered, "Why, sir, he doesn't take any pleasure in his work."
...
DEGREES OF BOREDOM The unit chaplain commented on the response of the audiences to his sermons: "If men occasionally look at their wrist watches when I am delivering my sermon, I don't mind," he said. "But it's rather annoying when they put them to their ears to find out if they are still running."...
THE EYES OF THE SHIP For days the ship had been plying the lonely winter waters of the extreme north. The seas and weather made life unfit for man or beast. Only deck watchstanders, beneath heavy layers of foul weather apparel, subjected themselves to the endless punishment of the elements. One watch over the phone circuit came the following:

"Lockouts, this is Combat; is it still snowing out there?"

"Lockouts, aye," came a muffled reply, "Wait one."...
REGULATIONS DURATION A visitor to a unit asked a sergeant: "Do the soldiers have to work long hours every day?"

"No, everything is regulation in the Army here - just sixty minutes in every hour."...
WATERTIGHTNESS CHECK At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel pain?"

"No, just want to see if I'm still watertight."...
BOTH TITLES A sailor said: "I'm a seaman and a captain."

"How come?"

"A seaman aboard my ship and the captain of a rowing boat at home."...
Dozen of students Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"...
Military jokes and humor...

HOME