ADVENTURE IN THE BOONDOCKS A Ranger from a 'Green Berets' unit was retelling his dreadful adventures in the boondocks in Vietnam.

"One day I was walking on patrol along a path in the boondocks and suddenly saw a snake."

"What horror!" a lady listener gasped.

"But when I came closer to it I saw it wasn't a snake at all, but a stick. My, wasn't I terrified!"

"But if it wasn't a snake but only a stick, why were you terrified?" asked another listener.

"Yeah," the vet explained, "but the stick I picked up to hit the snake with was a snake!" ...
BEST SENSOR After listening to a lecture on the latest developments in the field of Army sensors a major remarked: "I am convinced that Private Fielding in my battalion will make the best sensor."

"Why do you think so?"

"He must have a sixth sense. There's certainly no sign of the other five."...
IRONS IN THE FIRE An officer from a maintenance shop submitted a war adventure story to a military magazine. After some waiting he wired the editor, "Please report on my story immediately as I have other irons in the fire."

An answering wire read: "We see that keeping irons in the fire was your principal adventure in the war. We considered your story and advise you to put it with the other irons."...
LUCKY ONE...
MYSTERY WRAPPED IN ENIGMA General Taylor was a great lover of written instructions to his COFS couched in down-right 'gibberish' to be incorporated in planning masterpieces particular to be issued in the form of operation orders.

Once his COFS asked: "General, what do you mean by this passage in your writings? I'm absolutely baffled?"

The general read it over twice, shrugged his shoulders, and said, "When I wrote that. God and I knew what it meant, but now God alone knows."...
ROWING...
Perspectives...
MILITARY FOOD CHAIN A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old CSM and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

The CSM replied, "It's history and tradition ... First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes," said the Second Lieutenant, "but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"

"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden even. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves." ...
Hospital...
CHOW HOUNDS' JOKES A chow hound met another chow hound.
"What do you think, Mason, how many C-rations can you eat on an empty stomach?"
"I'm sure I can consume five rations," was the qualified answer.
"Well, it's impossible."
"Why?"
"Because after you've eaten the first one you won't eat on an empty stomach any more."
"That's right! I'll tell this first-rate joke to that glutton Calvin."
Next day Mason cornered Private Calvin.
"What do you think, Eddy, how many C rations can you devour at a go on an empty stomach?"
"Six."
Mason pulled a long face. "It's a pity!"
"Why?"
"Had you said 'five' I'd have told you a first-rate joke!"...
MORE IMPRESSIVE An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"...
NEW RANK? A frightened private, just volunteered for service in the Army and very conscious of rank, had just moved into a new apartment when the landlord came to meet him.
"You must be the new tenant?"
The private immediately replied, "Oh, no, sir. I'm only a private....
FAME A Pentagon general ran into a neighbor from his home town.
"Do the folks in town still remember me, perhaps with a little bit of pride?" he asked hopefully.
"Maybe," said the farmer neighbor. "As a matter of fact, we have a tablet put up in front of your old house."
"Is tliat so?" exclaimed the general. "What does it say?"
"It says, '8 miles to Greenville'."...
INTERPLANETARY COMMUNICATION MARS (Military Affiliated Radio System) has, as part of its job, to make "telephone patches' (contacts) via radio to enable overseas servicemen to talk with their families and friends at home.
One serviceman called a woman in the USA:
"Hello, this is the MARS radio station calling."
There was a moment of silence. Then the excited voice came back: "Hello, Mars. This is Earth."...
AT SEA The ship navigator fell sick when the ship was far from the shore in the open sea. The doctor examined the navigator and went into prolonged thinking.
"Well, doc," asked the sick man, "can't decide what medicine to prescribe me?"
"No, I'm thinking hard who, except you, knows anything about navigation here....
NAVAL PRESENCE OF MIND A violent storm had thrown the ship against rocks and the ship started sinking. Panic arose among passengers. The captain shouted through the megaphone: "Gentlemen, keep calm. Don't make panic! There's no danger whatever. We are not sinking. I have ordered to sailors to take ladies and children in boats away from the ship because I'd like to tell you a very salty naval joke."...
I'm not Catholic An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution. The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic chaplain.

The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, "I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that."

"Well, padre, I'm not Catholic," answered the GI.

"But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there."

"No - but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch and my wallet." ...
Interservice bravery...
MAGIC BRIDGE A group of soldiers came to the river spanned by a temporary bridge. Not seeing the notice that said it was unsafe, they began to cross. The bridge keeper ran after them in protest.
"It's all right," declared the sergeant, not understanding the reason for the old man's haste. "We're soldiers."
"I'm no caring about that," was the reply. "Soldiers or no soldiers but if you donna get off the bridge you'll be angels." ...
TECHNICAL PRECISION A cat got into the pipeline system of a missile site when it was drained. In the report the plumbing technician wrote in the graph 'Type of Work':
"Called 'Kitty, Kitty, Kitty' - 5 times a minute." In the graph 'Time Consumed by Operation' he wrote: "60 minutes (5 times a minute-300:5= 60)." ...
NAVAL ASSOCIATIONS A sailor and his wife were watching a film about some sea adventures. A ship was seen on the screen hitting an underwater cliff and swamped with water. The wife saw her sailor husband jumping up in cold sweat.
"What's wrong?" she asked him. "Do these sea horrors so frighten you?"
"Let's run," he shouted. "I've forgotten to turn off the faucet in the bathroom!"
...
TECHNICAL DIALOGUE An electrical technician asked the store keeper:
"Do you have any four-volt, two-watt bulbs, sergeant?"
"For what?"
"No, two?"
"Two what?"
"Yes."
"No." ...
Wooden decoy - wooden bomb Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb...
Arctic Levity Recently a group of Canadian Army Officers visited the US Northern Warfare Training Center at Fort Greeley Alaska.
Discussion eventually got down to the nitty gritty when a young Captain asked a grizzled senior instructor:
"What does the US Army use for chapped lips?"
"Moose droppings," the American answered, without changing his expression.
"How does that cure them?" the bemused Canadian pressed.
"Oh it doesn’t," the Arctic soldier chuckled, "But it sure stops folks from licking them!" ...
The 5 Scariest Things in the Army!1. A Private saying, "I learned this in basic training..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. And a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $%!#..."
BEGINNER'S PLUCK When he came home on leave after short service in the Army his parents asked him how he liked his first months in the Army.
"You know," he said, "A six-year old boy was also asked how he liked his very first day at school. He replied: 'Guess what, Mom? They want me back I could answer in the same way.' " ...
WRONG POINT OF DEPARTURE During troop maneuvers a sergeant in command of a patrol inquired a farmer on the road side: "What's the way to Bradback?"
The farmer replied: "Well, Mister, if I was going to Bradback, I'd be damned if I'd start from here."<font face="Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3"> </font> ...
PRECISE DIAGNOSIS A gold brick appeared at the medical bay.
"What's wrong with you this time, Collins?" the medical officer asked.
"I have a fatal disease, sir."
"What is it?"
"It's encephalitic digitaliscontaorbitalis inflam-monitis," fired away the man bent on blinding the doc with his medical erudition.
"Nonsense," protested the doctor. "You wouldn't know whether you had that or not. With that parti-cular disease, there's no discomfort of any kind."
"Good heavens!" the private gasped. "My symptoms exactly." ...
HOPE- EVEN AGAINST HOPE A party of Army engineers with reinforcements from an infantry unit were working at a highway construction site. The visiting commander told to put a warning sign: "Men Working Ahead." The sign was put with an addition by a GI wit: "You hope." ...
NAVAL COURTESY A young girl was walking down the street, carrying a heavy suitcase in one hand and dragging a naval kit-bag on the ground with the other. A sailor saw her struggling along and realized that she was having difficulty with all her luggage. So he walked up to her and said, "That's not the right way to carry a kit-bag, you know." He picked it up and put it on her shoulder. "This is how the Navy regs prescribe doing it," he instructed ...

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