Letter to Peter Pan

Dear Peter Pan Peanut Butter Manufacturers,

I am currently out to sea floating around in circles defending the American Way of Life. I am serving in the United States Navy upon an Oiler homeported out of Norfolk Va. The reason I am writing you this letter is three-fold.....


1. I am bored,

2. I'm hoping you will send me lots of free stuff,

3. To let you know how your peanut butter is responsible for saving the lives of many, including me.

We are usually out to sea Monday thru Friday. We try to get home one or two weekends a month. All those stories you hear about how good Navy Chow is are lies. I have been on active duty for 17 years. The motto of the Navy's Cooks is "Death from Within". They do their damnedest to try and live up to that motto. I'm telling you, If this were a prison instead of a mighty warship, I would start begging for the lethal injection.

All the jobs in the Navy are passed out by aptitude tests. If you are too stupid to chip paint, you get to be a Navy Cook. An example of our menu items....

• Hamburgers (with some real beef contents) over cooked so that they are bowl shaped and crispy on the edges.
• French Fries that are still frozen in the middle.
• Fishheads in Orange Hollondaise sauce. (At least I think that's what that crap was they tried to feed us last night)
• Pancakes that double as emergency tire repair kits.
• Chili that has no chili powder in it, but is loaded with hot sauce. Gauranteed to give you an ulcer.
• These people can even mess up Kool-Aid. What kind of idiot can't make Kool-Aid? There is usually not enough water or sugar. It's like drinking Green Persimmion juice. It takes about one hour after drinking this Kool-Aid for your mouth to unpucker enough to fit a cigarette between your lips.

But if we are lucky, we might have a jar of Peter Pan Extra Crunchy Peanut butter. Put some of this on a World War II era chewy stale saltine cracker and you would swear that you just sat down for dinner at Spago's.

It has been said, numerous times upon my mighty warship, that Peter Pan deserves some kind of medal. I agree. He is the best cook we have on board. As long as we have Peter Pan Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter available, That means I don't have to catch me a seagull and bite it's head off to maintain the strength necessary to defend the free world.

Your Hunts Ketchup helps as well. Everything we eat gets covered in ketchup. Hell, some of us even eat Ketchup sandwiches. Dog Turds are even palatable when covered by enough ketchup. (Dog Turds would be a welcome break from what they are trying to feed us for lunch)

So keep making that Peanut Butter. Keep selling it to the Navy. And be proud of the patriotic duty that you are doing for your country. Keeping the Men and Women of the worlds Greatest Navy from starving to death.

God Bless Peter Pan

HOME