ALF Joins the Marines ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Your A Retired D.I. If... ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
The Commandments of Operational Security ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Re-up I am drunk, sick, pissed off, stupid, hungry, and have a hangover. Flat-broke, need a haircut, and no mail. I missed an appointment, no sex, no friends, and damn few relatives. I am in debt, have poor character rating, am over time-in-grade, and promotions are all frozen. My day is all fu**ed up and I have no clothes. I lost my meal card and I missed chow. My leave was disapproved and I lost my shot record.
I have no butts to smoke, can't shave and I've accumulated 3 days AWOL. I got a hard on, got V.D., about to sh*t my pants and the latrine is off limits until after the Inspection.

"And they got the balls to tell me to re-up for the benefits." ...
Order of Battle ARMY - In the Army, the officers send the men off to fight.
NAVY - In the Navy, the officers lead the men into battle.
AIR FORCE - In the Air Force, the men send the officers off to fight. ...
THE FRENCH HAVE A WORD FOR IT France's elite airborne rangers have just changed their name to "reflect their new image in helping to defend the entire European Union." At least, that's what their spokesman claimed.
The real reason? Now that they are training with groups that speak English, their old name "Commandos de Recherche et d'Action en Profondeur" (Long-Range Search and Action Commandos) had become too embarrassing. You have to assume that the proud French soldiers would get tired of having to explain that they worked for CRAP. The unit's new name is "Groupement de Commandos Parachutistes" (Parachute Commando Group). (AFP)

[ You mean they rejected "Special Paratroopers Landing All Terrain? (SPLAT)" ] ...
GRAND LOVES "Believe me, dear granddaughter, there may be only one great love in the life of a woman... ," said the grandmother in langour.

"And who was your great love, granny?" asked the granddaughter.

The grandmother whispered: "Sailors, only sailors!"...
KEEPING UP A flying trainee who thought himself to be a budding pilot asked his instructor: "What do you think, sir, of the way I handle this plane?"

The instructor replied rather ambiguously: "It's OK as long as you keep it up." ...
Officer Efficiency Reports ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Cavalry drill A weary recruit was having his first day of Cavalry drill. His brain was reeling, his hands were trembling, and another section of his anatomy felt like a piece of raw beefsteak. The company was charging across the field in a full gallop when the captain suddenly cried, "Halt."

The well-trained horses halted in their tracks, but the recruit, caught by surprise, went sailing over his horse's head and landed a dozen feet beyond in a magnificent cactus bush.

The Commanding Officer came galloping over to him, "Who in the hell told you to dismount?" he cried.
...
FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF AMPHIBIOUS OPERATIONS When asked how he estimated the desert as a theater of operations an expert in amphibious warfare stated: "It should be said that the sea is rather far away in here but what a big beach for beachhead extension operations!"...
What action officers say and what they mean ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
PILOTING TEST A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present real challenge to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the trainee, "How the devil did you get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee explained, "in order to leave room for you, I had the farmer tow me here." ...
AWOL As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR....
NAVAL MOBILITY A sailor was sitting under a tree in a city park keeping his hands as if holding something.

"Hey, bud, watcha doing?" he was hailed by another sailor passing by.

"Peel your eyes, man. Don't you see I'm angling fish."

"But there are no fish under that tree."

"What of it? As if I couldn't row her to another niace?" was the judicial reply....
You might be MI if ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
RULES OF THE AIR ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Chastity belt All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said " Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!" ...
Boats! I have an friend in the Navy, and our conversations center around ships and the Navy a lot. However, I keep making the mistake of referring to ships as boats. After several months, my friend finally straightened me out on this....
Secretary sharing THERE'S a memo circulating in the British civil service that recommends secretary sharing as a means of economizing. "This can be done," it concludes, "either horizontally between officers of equal rank or vertically between an officer and a senior."...
State-of-the-art watch ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Jets remodeling ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Army Major General at Naval Hospital Once upon a time, an Army Major General was admitted to a Naval Hospital.

Not being very well informed on Army ranks, the General's young nurse kept referring to him as "Major".

Finally, in exasperation, the General said: "Look young lady. If a Rear Admiral were admitted to your ward you would not call him "Rear" would you? Then don't call me "Major"!"...
"In a hurry are we, sir?" Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The 'boys in blue,' upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target acquisition computer had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed. ...
Bumper sticker Bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber:
"If you can read this, then we wasted 50 billion bucks." ...
Helicopter crew Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon."

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"

(Brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot." ...
A STORY ABOUT A SHIT HEAD PRIVATE ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
LEONARDO DA VINCI AND AVIATION A farmer said to a friend, as a supersonic aircraft roared overhead: "They had the right idea about planes in Leonardo's time - he designed 'em and nobody built them."...
Three knots After a lengthy tour of sea duty, an old sailor finally gets some shore leave. Fortunately, a nearby brothel had been recommeded to him by some of his younger shipmates.

The old sailor walked over to the brothel, where he chose his girl and began. "How am I doing?" he asked her.

"Three knots," she replied.

"Three knots? What does that mean?" asked the sailor.

The girl answered, "You're not hard. You're not in. And, you're not getting your money back." ...
Wedding differences ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Don't worry Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa.

After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.

When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand....

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