Once upon a time there was a dumb private in a far away place called "Grafenwehor,
Germany". He was a dumb SOB, so dumb that nobody really liked him. Not
his fellow soldiers, Team Leader, Squad Leader, Platoon Sergeant nor Company
1SG. He was a real smart ass who thought he know it all.
Then one cold winter day, his company went on a tactical 12 mile road march
across the lovely, muddy country side of Germany. About halfway through the
road march, approximately 6 miles out, the weather started to change rapidly.
The temperature dropped sharply, the rain changed to show and the road started
to get very slippery and muddy.
With the weather getting worse minute by minute, the dumb private started to
fall further and further back behind the company formation. As a excuse, he
told his Team Leader he needed to take an urgent shit. So he dropped out of
the formation and ran to the nearest woods until the company was out of sight.
Knowing the unit was now gone, he figured he could take his sweet ass time walking
back to base without being hassled, pushed or yelled at to keep up with the
company. While walking the same road as his unit was on, he came upon a large
cow pasture that looked like it would be a short cut back to base. He decided
to take a chance by cutting across the field, hoping that it would get him home
sooner.
As he started to walk across the field, he soon realized that the snow was beginning
to get deeper and deeper and much more difficult to walk in. Before long, he
started to get very tired and exhausted and know then that he made a serious
mistake trying to cross the field. He decided to turn around and try to get
back to the road.
Due to the heavy snow fall and wind, his tracks were quickly covered over and
he soon lost his way back to the road. Feeling extremely weak, he collapsed
to the ground. The dumb private thought for sure he was a goner and that no
one would ever find him in the snow storm.
Suddenly, out of nowhere came a large herd of cows walking across the field.
The dumb private said to himself "Great, if I don't freeze to death, I'll
be trampled to death by a bunch of cows". But the private was lucky, they
didn't walk on him, instead they just shit on him as they passed overhim.
Feeling the fresh warm cow shit on top of him, the private started to warm up
again. In fact, he was feeling so much better....that he started to laugh aloud
at the situation he had gotten himself into.
Then suddenly, in one swift sweep, he was grabbed by the collar, jerked and
shaken to his feet and given a first class royal ass chewing by his Platoon
Sergeant and Company 1SG. And when they got back to the barracks they put him
on latrine detail for a week.
The moral of this story is:
1. Anyone who happens to shit on you, is not always out to get you.
2. Anyone who happens to get you out of shit, is not always your friend.
3. And if you're warm and happy in shit, keep your mouth shut.