Home After six-month tour Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty, the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house. ...
Heaven or Hell There once was a helicopter pilot who lived his whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people he worked for. In fact, he made sure that every job he did resulted in a win-win situation for somone. One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by a bus and he died....
Helicopter Lessons. Military humor & jokes. ...
The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles." "No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!" ...
Military humor & jokes. ...
Submarine Humor The boat was having a swim call and this seaman climbed out of the water and asked the XO why one of his shipmates was carrying a rifle. The XO replied "to shoot you just in case the sharks gets you". Needless to say, the seaman never got back in the water. ...
An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke:
"OK, chief, but why so much ?" ...
The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broke into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!". ...
Foot and Mouth Disease With the crew taking their written ORSE exams in the crew's mess, at one table the ORSE inspectors were quietly combing through RC Div's paperwork with Chief Bob and the RC Div O, Selle. At one point, Selle tells the inspectors," Check this one out, this is a gimme." The division looks up from their tests in shock as Chief Bob apparently shifts in his seat a bit closer to Selle.
Next heard from the indignant Selle," Owwww! Why did you kick me?!"...
Top Ten Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting. Military humor & jokes. ...
The PLAN. Military humor & jokes. ...
Two sailors were at a picnic, sitting around, drinking a cool one or two, when one of them told a story about a WestPac trip and mentioned he was on Catfish (SS339). The other dude sitting there asked when he was on the CATFISH. They determined they were on board at the same time, but did not know one another. The torpedoman asked the other sailor what his rate was. The answer was that he was a ships cook. The torpedoman replied:" That's why I don't know you, every time I went into the after battery, it was so filled with black smoke that I could not see who was in the galley" And this is a No S---er! ...
An elderly general learns that he has a new grandson. He sends his orderly to see if the newborn resembles him.
"He’s your carbon copy, sir," the orderly reports when he returns. "He is bald and fat, wets his pants, and he never shuts up." ...
Dear China,...
Top Ten Holiday Traditions In The Military. Military humor & jokes. ...
Submarine Humor Submarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air! ...
A military aircraft had just reached its assigned 38,000 feet when suddenly and dramatically it dropped steeply to about half that altitude. A frightened soldier among the passengers turned to his seat mate, a chaplain. "Do something, padre!" he pleaded. "Relax, my boy," said the chaplain. "I'm sure we'll be all right." The soldier was not reassured. "Please, padre," he persisted. "Do something religious!" The chaplain smiled, then asked: "Would you like me to take up an offering?"...
THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place. Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon. It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812....
The Accident. Military humor & jokes. ...
Pet Peeves Of U.S. Military Personnel 10. Having to see more naked sweaty guys before 9AM than most people see all day
9. When you ask the cook what's in the meat loaf, and he says, 'Don't ask, don't tell'
8 Camouflage fatigues make your ass look huge
7. Dorky network news anchors in combat fatigues
6. Those M.R.E.'s still suck
5. Two words: 'Helmet Rash'
4. Instead of sending all of us over here, they should have just sent O.J.
3. The crummy TV in the barracks only picks up CBS
2. You hardly ever find a real fox in your foxhole, if you know what I mean
1 The army still hasn't perfected the camouflage hairpiece ...
In a heroic dogfight, fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60s era American-built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passengers/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft. ...
China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision! Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,” Fully responsible" for today’s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane. ...
Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane 10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin
9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker
8. According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says"
7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles
6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
5. "Cloaking device" button only there because pilot's a "Star Trek" fan
4. Maybe not the best idea to write "Spy plane" on wings
3. The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty
2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!
1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva ...
Top Ten Reason Why I Became a Staff Officer: 10. Everyone needs a new concept of Hell. ...
How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men) He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys) ...
Army Policy this is how it all begins... ...
You Might Be Military Intelligence If . . . 1. PT is canceled because of the sun....
Military Work Rules ...
DURING a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircraft were kept. When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it. "I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane." "Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied Jim, "but it's sitting in my garage!" ...
Are You a Prospective Intelligence Officer Since the career panel may decide to administer written examinations for candidates seeking certification as professional Intelligence Officers, we are passing along these sample questions to help you prepare for the ordeal. ...
Location While on a super-secret night patrol somewhere in Macedonia, a U.S. Army platoon leader received an urgent call from a major back in headquarters....

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