Military Technology ::: Military jokes and humor...
MOST HORRIBLE SEA ADVENTURE An old sailor was retelling a long story of his astounding adventures at sea to a group of green seamen.
"Most blood-curdling disaster was recorded in the Coral Sea. A huge wave lifted our ship and threw her against hard rocks. There were no survivors whatever!"
'And you, Wilson?"
"I was in San Francisco at the time."...
Administrative Nightmare An actual memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973

"Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original."...
Air Force First Sergeant Test 1. You are having lunch with your new colonel, talking about the decision paper you wrote. During the conversation, a blonde walks into the dining area and she is so stunning you draw your boss's attention to her. Having his complete attention, you give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in a motel room. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as the colonel's daughter. Your next move is:
...
Bird Strikes True Story...
ANSWER TO A MAID'S PRAYER A girl told her friend: "I marry only a sailor." "Why?" asked her friend.
"Sailors can clean everything. And the main thing they can obey orders quickly."...
WILLING TO SACRIFICE The CO of the company was introducing the main points of the daily routine to enlistees.
"You must get up at five o'clock."
One of the enlistees commented: "I usually get up at twelve..., but I'll force myself to sleep till five."...
MUST BE ONE Two privates paused before a cage in the zoo. "It has two stripes," said one private.
"That settles it," said the other. It's either a skunk or a corporal."...
JUNGLE JARGON A GI was relating his jungle experiences:
"Ammunition, food and whisky had run out, we were all parched with thirst."
"Wasn't there any water?"
"Sure, but who wanted to wash?"...
51 Days ::: Military jokes and humor...
Gl SILICOSIS The boys in the dispensary report they have discovered a new army occupational
disease - GI silicosis. It's contracted by inhaling gold-brick dust....
A Marine in Hell ::: Military jokes and humor...
NO CONDITION Captain Gibbson was bawling out an inebriated man from his company.
He declared: "If I was in your condition, I'd shoot myself."

"Sir, if you was in my condition you'd miss y'rself," the private objected....
MARCHING PROBLEM One of the problems of the so-called 'Human Operations Research' (HuOR) was formulated as follows: "Alternative coordinated movements of right and left feet as a decisive factor in moulding the soldier's will-power,"...
NOTES Notes on bulletin board in a camp:

1) Our new latrine is complete and ready for rumors.
2) "All those concerned will remember an unexpected training alert is expected tomorrow morning." ...
Serbian Smart Bomb A NATO vehicle was attacked by a Serbian Nationalist. Seems the Serb threw a molotav cocktail at the car. Just one problem. He used a plastic bottle, so instead of breaking and exploding, it merely bounced off.

In keeping with military tradition, soldiers have taken to calling it a Serbian Smart Bomb. ...
The Stealth Missile in Action ::: Military jokes and humor...
Pentagon announces new-jargon deployment ::: Military jokes and humor...
Chicken Question ::: Military jokes and humor...
An Israelie Soldier Wants A Three Day Pass Three Day Pass An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, Do you want to get a 3-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!" ...
A Solider Endures Camouflage Training...
But War Is War & So Is Granny ::: Military jokes and humor...
Sailor in a Bar A Navy man walks into a bar. Sitting himself down, he tells the bartender, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."

The bartender pours a drink and watches as the man quickly downs it.

Putting the glass on the bar, the sailor says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts."

The bartender pours another glass and the sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first, before asking for another, again adding, ". . . before the trouble starts."

After several rounds of this the bartender says, "Look sailor, you've been in here ten minutes and you keep talking about trouble starting. Just when is this "trouble" going to start?"

The sailor looks at the bartender and says, "The trouble starts just as soon as you find out that I ain't got any money." ...
Signals The new ensign was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a destroyer. Far out on the horizon, the USS New Jersey was conducting a night gunnery exercise.

The ensign, seeing the flashes of light from the battleship, ran excitedly up to the signal bridge and pointed out the "Morse code" coming from the other ship.

Ensign: "What are they saying? What are they saying?"

Signalman: "Boom. Boom."...
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TANKERS DON'T DO O.O.T.W.
(OPERATIONS OTHER THAN WAR) 10. THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY'LL WANT TANKERS DOING PT.
9. YOU MIGHT MISS A REALLY GOOD WAR IF YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME DOING OOTW.
8. ARMOR GUYS ARE WAY TOO COOL TO TOUCH REFUGEES
7. "SPEED, POWER, AND SHOCK EFFECT" AND "WINNING HEARTS AND MINDS" JUST DON'T MIX.
6. OOTW NEVER HAPPENS AT A GOOD VACATION SPOT.
5. "FEED IN ZONE" AND "MOVEMENT TO MEDIA" ARE NOT MTP MISSIONS.
4. CHARLIE DON'T SURF; TANKERS DON'T DO CITIES.
3. CHICKS DIG TANKS, NOT CHECK POINTS.
2. IF YOU SENT TANKS, WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH YOUR LIGHT INFANTRY?
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TANKERS DON'T DO OOTW..............
THE ROE (RULES OF ENGAGEMENT) WOULD HAVE TO BE LONGER THAN "MOVE NORTH AND KILL EVERYTHING"...
Telephone Game: A Colonel Issues Directives ::: Military jokes and humor...
HITTING THE CEILING "Your serge will probably hit the ceiling when you get to the barracks tonight," said an AWOL to his companion.

"Yeah," said the companion, "he's a lousy shot."...
LANDFALL A drunken sailor on liberty got into a big mud puddle in the street and was looking for something there. Soon two other sailors came over and asked him: "Hey, bud, what are you looking for?"

"You better give me a hand, men," said the drunk.

The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching something unknown. At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed: "I've found it!"

"What did you find?"

"The shore... ."...
FLAG SIGNALS A sailor boasted to be able to read any flag signal. He was asked about a beflagged ship near at anchor. "Strange, they say they are on the rocks. It's quarantine. We're surrendering."

Then a boat from the ship in distress was lowered and brought some sailors to the pier. They were asked by frightened spectators who had heard the ominous interpretation of the signals by the great expert of flag communication. ...
Cargo Plane ::: Military jokes and humor...
DOUBLE MANEUVER (Command Decision) The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window. One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor. "Conductor," said one, "if that window is opened, I'll just freeze to death!"

"And if it is kept closed," whined the other, "I'll suffocate."

The poor conductor didn't know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help."What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?"

"In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other."...

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