OFF LAND SUPPLY US Rangers ("Green Berets") are intensively trained to live in any place without any food delivery.
In a southern state a farmer heard a commotion in his poultry-house one night. This was just what he had been waiting for. With shot gun in hand he flung open the door of the hen-coop and cried, "Come outta there you thief!"
There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking of the fowl. Ranger Private Rastus had a short time to think quickly in the dramatic situation in which the honor of the elite force of the US Army was at stake. Then the furious farmer heard a weak voice said:
"Please, mister, ain't nobody here 'cept us chickens." ...
NOT TO WRITE A general was giving some evidence at some committee at the Congress.
"What is your full name, general?" asked the chairman of the committee. "Cadwallader Ingraham J. Hammersaw, sir."
"Can you sign your name?"
"How's that?"
"I asked if you could write your name?"
"Sir," huffed the general. "I never write my name. I dictate it." ...
HIGH SEA A diner in a restaurant told angrily the waiter:
"What's this muddy liquid you've brought me?"
"It's soup, sir," claimed the waiter.
"You don't say so? Now, me being an old sea wolf, I can learn that I had been plowing soup waves for thirty years." ...
ANOTHER VARIANT The chairman of a court-martial board said: "I see, Private Dennis, you are back for fighting with your wife WAC sergeant. Again liquor?" ...
Gulf War Aftermath A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"...
A bunch of sailors are rowing their boat to the dock for shore leave, and they're singing their NAVY song merrily. God looks down and says "these guys shouldn't be this happy,so I think i'll suck out half of their brains and see if it will calm them down so he sucks out half of their brain Hmmm HHmmm hmmmm, the sailors are rowing along humming their song because they no longer know the words God looks dowm and says "they're still too happy I think i'll suck out the rest of their brains to calm them down" so now all the seamen start singing "Be all that you can be.............
Getting Out Sergeant asked the corporal, "Well, I guess you're one of the guys that will be happy to see me go? And I guess you'll be one of the guys who come will come by and piss on my grave when I'm gone." The corporal said, "Not me Sarge! When I get out of this man's Army, I'll never stand in line again!" ...
The Secretary General Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly open. When leaving the room she said, "General Smith, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags....
Take the Temperature ...
Which Branch? A soldier, a sailor, and a marine, got into a fight about which service is best.
The fight was so heated, that they killed each other. Soon, they found themselves in Heaven.
They see St. Peter walk by and ask him: "Which Branch of Service is the best?"
St. Peter replied: "I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what he thinks the next time I see him."
Some time later the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer.
Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note in its beak.
St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows:
"Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are 'Honorable and Noble'. Each one of you has served your country well. Be proud of that." signed,

GOD,
US ARMY, Special Forces, (SGM, Retired) ...
You Might Be Too Technologically Advanced If . . . You know your Advanced Warfighting Experiment unit is too technologically advanced when......
Dear John Letter The soldier serving overseas, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:
"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others." ...
Reduction in Forces...
Strategic Fence Initiative On Sept. 28, a production B-1 Bomber crashed. The cause: a flock of birds.
The obvious question is, why not devote some of the billions of dollars being spent on national defense to build bird farms?
The Army could fence up thousands of birds in selected locations, and release them if enemy planes were detected.
This would be called the "Strategic Fence Initiative"....
Two private soldiers are on latrine detail, sweeping up soiled bits of toilet paper around the latrines. Just as they get all the bits swept up into a pile for collection, a gust of wind grabs one piece and sends it swirling into the camp, high above the heads of both soldiers. To their horror, it goes right in the window of the Colonel's office.

One soldier says to the other," I'll go in and get it, the old man is short sighted, half-deaf and naps alot. I should be fine."

So off he goes, slipping quietly into the Colonel's office. He comes back a minute later, shaking his head.

"Well, did you get it?" says the first soldier.

"No" the second sighs," I was too late. The old man had already signed it..."...
The Dept of the Navy just announced that the Marine Corps could no longer perform burials at sea for those who have departed this earthly life. It seems that too many of them have drowned trying to dig a grave...
AVOIDING THE DRAFT...
WORK FROM SUN-UP TILL SUN-DOWN The sergeant in charge of a fatigue party peeked over the rim of the ditch and saw Private Larkin stretched out on his back.
"Anything wrong, private?" he shouted.
"Nah!" said the private. "I'm just waiting for the sun to go down so I can quit this hard work." ...
BET Two sergeants had a bet who gives the smallest sum as donation to the religious fund of the unit in the chapel.
Sergeant MacPherson put a buck on the collection plate and looked triumphantly at Sergeant MacCormic.
Sergeant MacCormic signed a cross and humbly pronounced: "For the two of us." ...
SARGE...
<h4 content="Military Jokes. Updating daily. Submit a joke">WRONG NAME An MP detained an Army driver for some traffic violation.
"What's your name?" he asked.
" 'Tis there on the identification card," said the driver.
The MP tried hard to read a difficult name: "Sure, and it's obliterated."
"Ye're wrong entirely, sergeant. 'Tis O'Brannigan," corrected the driver. ...
JUMPING WITH PARACHUTES The tough, rough soldier from a backwoods country had just been assigned to the paratroops at his own request. His sergeant warned him: "It's a tough duty and you've got to do a lot of dange-rous jumping!"
"I know that, sergeant. What height are we all supposed to jump from?"
"Five hundred feet," the sergeant replied.
"Nothing doing, sergeant," the soldier said. "It's too high. Can't you all make it three hundred feet?"
The sergeant explained that in jumping from such a low altitude there was danger of the parachute not opening in time. The man broke into a happy smile.
"Hot dog!" he said. "Do we get parachutes, too?"...
U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE...
RICOCHET FIRING "How," asked the officer on the rifle range, "did you get those four straight bull's eyes? Your range is 600 yards, but your sight is set at 300."
"See that little rock half way along, sir? Well, I'm bouncing'em off that," explained the shooter....
ONLY CHALLENGE A rather dwarfy-looking Private appeared before the military court.
"Do you wish to challenge any of the board?" he was asked.
"Well, I think I could lick that little sergeant on this end. I don't happen to know his name, sir."...
BEING ALWAYS RIGHT Private Larkins who had applied for transfer to the Military Police Corps was asked: "Why, Larkins, you a military policeman! How did you come to join the force?"
"In civvy street I was a grocery clerk and I've always wanted to be in business where it's the customer who is always wrong."...
WORTHLESS An American serviceman from a unit stationed somewhere at a base in Scotland went astray when returning to his barracks.
Wandering aimlessly on a lonely road he at last met with another human - a Highlander.
"Gosh, pal!" exclaimed the American. "I'm lost."
"Is there a reward out for ye?" inquired the Scot.
"Why, no."
"Well," remarked the Scotsman, walking on, "ye're still lost."...
TIMELY FOUND It was near quitting time at bar. Private McGarry asked his friends: "Has anyone seen me cap?"
His friend McNatty replied obligingly: "Sure, McGarry, and ye've got it on."
"Right and I have it, and it's good thing ye seen it or I'd have gone to my barracks without it and that damn sergeant of ours would have put me on DR sure."...
SECRET MESSAGE "Here's a special message from the general, sir," reported the soldier. "It's for you personally, sir."
"Read it to me," said the major.
The messenger read: "Of all the blundering, stupid, idiotic morons you take the cake."
"Have that decoded at once!" ordered the major gravely....
SHOOT AND SHOOT Private Winn appeared in the door to be met by Mrs. Harrison who was surprised obviously at his equipment.
"Where is your pistol, dear?" she asked. "And what is this for?" she inquired, pointing at the camera the soldier was carrying. "You don't mean you didn't know what I meant when I asked you to shoot my husband?" she exclaimed....
SUCH LUCK At the firing range the serge yelled at a firer on the line.
"Stop! You almost shot a colonel!"
The rookie commented in delight: "Ain't sumpin'? And I only learned to shoot yesterday!"</font>...

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