Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units
are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with
your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number
at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea,
China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and
compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your
call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to
the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States
Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can
be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2
for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after
1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers
requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research
and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray
funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in
advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service
is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed
to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory
credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs.
Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required
to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little,
have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles
from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life,
in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress
erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call
will shortly be connected to a bitterpassed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip
mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States
Army.