1. Once again, as a result of the reduced funding available in the FY98 and
FY99 budgets, we are forced to significantly down-size our forces.
2. Under the guidelines we have received from HQDA, those members over forty
years of age will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting retention
of younger, lower paid personnel who represent the future Army anyway.
3. Therefore, a program to phase out the older personnel by the end of FY97/98
via retirement will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be
known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
4. Personnel who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to cross-train. Personnel
being RAPED can request a review of their records prior to termination. This
phase of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired
Early Workers).
5. All personnel being RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal to higher headquarters,
this phase will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Follow-ups Termination).
Under the guidelines to the new policy, a member may only be RAPED once or SCREWED
twice, but he or she may be SHAFTED as many times as the Army deems appropriate.
6. Provided an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled
to receive HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance), or
CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she already has AIDS
(Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse). As HERPES or CLAP are considered
benefit plans, any member who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be
RAPED or SCREWED by the Army.
7. The Army wishes to reassure the younger personnel remaining with the organization
that they will continue to receive the best training possible through our Special
High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Army takes great pride in the amount
of SHIT that our personnel receive.. We have given our personnel more SHIT than
any other branch in the Department of Defense. If anyone feels that he or she
has not received his or her fair share of SHIT, please feel free to bring it
to your supervisor's attention. He or she has been instructed to ensure that
all personnel receive all the SHIT that they can handle.
8. Those personnel who have been RAPED, SCREWED, and SHAFTED, and previously
accepted either HERPES or CLAP but now have AIDS aren't eligible for SHIT!
Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)