Private Milton went to psychiatrist and complained: "I have an inferiority complex."...
FRAGGING? "I'm so sore at that Sergeant Brooks with his familiarity angle," a GI complained. "He keeps sneaking up on me, slapping me on the chest and breaking the cigars in my pocket. I figured out how to teach him a lesson."

"Whatcha gonna do?" asked his friend.

"I'll fix him. The next time he slaps me on the chest I'll have a booby trap in my pocket."...
Military jokes and humor...
FIRE PRECAUTIONS Remembering what he was told about fire precautions in the unit area the soldier threw a cigarette butt in a manhole and then stepped on it....
ODD STRUCTURE A unit was hastily deployed overseas in a place without housing facilities. The NCOIC of the emergency construction project reported to the CO: "This darn new-fangled prefabricated barracks they done sent us ain't no good, sir. In fact, it's plumb lousy. I think mebby we put it up wrong without engineer assistance."

"How come?"

"Leastways, every time soldiers step out the front door, they fell off the roof."...
EXTENDED PERIOD A man who had volunteered for the Army and then thought better was late to report to the recep-tion center. When asked by the recruiting officer about explanations, he pleaded for a little more time to settle his affairs.

"All right, I'll give you three more days," the officer said, "and no more."

"Okay," said the prospective serviceman, "I'll take Christmas, Fourth of July and New Year's."...
SERGEANT WAS RIGHT (AS USUAL) Private Brown exclaimed after the morning inspection parade:
"This time the sergeant wasn't just jumping on me. Gee, do I need a shave?"

"How do you know?" his friend asked.

"I just looked in the mirror over there."

"That's not a mirror, stupid, that's a hair brush."...
WHEN EVERYTHING IS TOPSY-TURVY "My daddy is an Army engineer," an Army brat said boastfully. "Did you hear about my father's new invention?" asked the brat of his friend.

"What's his invention?" asked the friend dutifully.

"Well," explained the brat, "my daddy just sug-gested to build a house for headquarters with the basement on top of the roof."

"Why?" asked the friend.

"So in case staff folks lose some important paper (which they often do, as daddy says) they don't have to turn the whole house upside down trying to find it."...
NOT WHAT WAS PROMISED "Are you sure you've put me in the Army all right, sir?" asked a volunteer at a recruiting center. "Am I really a soldier now?"

"Of course. Yours is the most famous outfit in the US Armed Forces. What's the matter with it?"

"Well, I thought there must be some mistake and you put me in the K9 Corps. I've been leading a dog's life ever since."...
NO IDENTIFICATION PROBLEM...
EFFICIENCY JUMP The staff efficiency expert said to the COFS: "I am very gratified to see how many new men you have taken on since I installed my new automatic system of staff information processing."

"Yes, we took'em to take care of the system."...
BETTER MATERIAL

The commander was asked: "Why do you prefer married soldiers in your unit?"

"Well, the married men are used to take orders even if they are yelled at them."...
PUNCTUATION AND PUNCTUALITY A prospective WAC told her friend: "When I ap-plied for an appointment in the Army as a clerk the recruiting officer had the nerve to ask if my punc-tuation was good."

"What did you tell him?"

"I said I'd never been late for work in my life."...
SECRET OF ATTENTION An instructor who was fond of lengthy discussions at his classes boasted about his attentive listeners: "Yes, they are always glued to their seats."

"No wonder," his friend commented, "that they keep in their places."...
CHOW HOUND A company chow hound had a bet he would be able to consume a tremendous amount of Army rations, and he did consume ai'l of them but refused to have another go.

"Not now," he said. "We'll be having chow time in half an hour."...
MUTUAL INTERESTS General Williams was in a hurry to get to his headquarters on time early in the morning for an important meeting.

"Don't let me miss my plane," he urged his chauffeur.

"Don't worry, sir," the chauffeur answered. "Mrs. Williams said if I did it would cost me my job."...
HOT ASSIGNMENT AREA A soldier in a tropical area was asked by his parents in a letter: "Is it hot where you serve?"

His reply was: "Terrible, and no trees. My soldier friends and I took turns sitting in each other's shadows during breaks between training."...
CLOSE LOCATION The general asked his engineer: "Why did you build the unit supply point so far away from the unit area?"

"But you wanted to get it near the railroad, sir," explained the engineer....
RIGHT PLACE...
GREAT LIKENESS Sergeant Briggs returned back to his sweetheart from an assignment in Central America.

"Unfortunately I have to report back to that place again, dear. And here is a little pet I brought you to remind you of me."

"Oh, Walter, dear," gasped the girl, "how thoughtful of you to bring me this dear little monkey! It is just like you!"...
UNSUITABLE QUALITIES A fat boy was turned down at an Army reception center where he wished to volunteer for service with he Rangers. "You're no good for Uncle Sam's Army," the recruiting officer said. "You fat fellows are good-natured-you can't either fight or run."...
ALSO FLYING A volunteer was questioned at the recruiting center to see his IQ.

"What's Old Glory?"

"I don't know."

"What's that you see flying over the house?"

"Oh, yes, pigeons."...
PROPER WHEREABOUTS A Pentagon brass hat was visiting a lunatic ward of an Army psychiatric hospital. He went to the telephone and found difficulty in getting connection with his office to make some inquiries on some matter. Exasperated, he shouted to the operator: "Look here, girl, do you know who I am?"

"No", was the calm reply, "but I know where you are."...
PRACTICAL TESTING One quartermaster told another: "I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of ration and was sampling it with delight when..."

"Yes, yes, go on".

"I woke up and found a corner of my mattress gone."...
DIFFERENCE "Can you tell me the difference between valor and discretion," asked the sergeant.

Private Hooks replied: "Well, leaving one's barracks without permission would be valor."

"And discretion?"

"Not going there again."...
ARMY COOKING RECIPE The unit cook was asked: "Say, you've got, Bowson, rabbit meat hash for dinner today?"

"Yes."

"What's the proportion?"

"In strict accordance with the cooking manual (military messing)-fifty-fifty-one rabbit and one horse." ...
WHOM ARE WARS FOUGHT BY? Some time after the war, several men in a bar room were talking about wars and their battle deeds. The talk turned on a specific battle. An ex-lieutenant, telling his portion of it, was interrupted by a former captain who corrected him on several points. He, in turn, was contradicted by a man who claimed to be a major and told a different story. Presently, a fourth man spoke up with quite another version of the operations. He was a colonel, he declared. Then a fifth man stepped in: "I was in that fight. It was like this."

"What was your rank, sir?" asked the bartender when the last man finished his account.

"I was a private."

"Well, you are the very first private I've ever met in this place," commented the bartender....
MARKING TIME...
OFF LIMITS TO UNSHAVED PERSONNEL Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"

"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"

"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."

"Oh, that's because most men who go to heaven get there by a close shave."...
CHEMICAL WARFARE "When Lot's wife looked back", said the Sunday school teacher at an Army post, "what happened to her?"

"My dad says she was transmuted into chloride of sodium," answered the brat with the goggles, "and my dad sure knows everything about chemical warfare....

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