SKIPPER WITH A HEART The captain was known as a very strict disciplinarian with close adherence to "rocks and shoals" procedures. When the ship was at port the captain was visited by his little grandson who fell over the side. An alert coxswain dived into the sea and rescued the lad. During this period 13.00 quarters was sounded and the coxswain missed muster. His absence was noted and he was placed on report.
The following morning he appeared at Captain's Mast. His absentee offense was read and the captain gave him two weeks restriction to the ship.
The coxswain blurted out, "But captain, sir, I was the man who saved your grandson."
The captain turned to the yeoman who had re-corded the punishment and said: "In that case, make that one week instead of two."...
Recruiting office sign During the 1960's, when the draft law could induct most young men into military service, the announcement was made that very few (if any) married men would be drafted, war or not.

One Army recruiting office fought back by posting a sign that read: "Better two years than life."...
CAMOUFLAGE MIRACLE An engineer officer had been assigned to inspect the camouflage of an airfield. Walking through the woods around the place where the field was, he noticed a dozen or more of ground crew climbing trees and crawling through bushes. He called the sergeant in charge of the gang.

"What the hell are the men doing?" he asked.

"We've been told somebody is going to inspect the camouflage on the field. We've camouflaged the aircraft and can't find the ruddy things now."...
The 5th SFG(A) TACP Phone Message ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
MIA During a parachute jumping exercise each jumper in the plane was given a number, and each man's number was called when it was his turn to drop through the fuselage door.
When the jump master reached nine the ninth parachutist dropped through the hole, but at ten nothing happened. The jump master again called 'ten' but again nothing happened. Then suddenly he realized that the plane was empty except for himself and the pilot.
"By heck! Ten is me!" he yelled, and jumped through the door....
TIME AND TIDE The following problem was given to cadets at naval academy to have a check on their knowledge of sea dynamics.

A ship is at anchor. Over the side hangs a rope ladder with rungs a foot apart. The tide rises at the rate of eight inches an hour. At the end of six hours how much of the ladder will remain above water when the tide begins to rise?

The answer is as follows. Since the ship's afloat, the water level in relation to the ship stays the same. Therefore, eight feet are above water at the end as at the beginning....
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Mr. Johnson and a new secretary Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."...
Repair or replace A Scottish private walked into the pharmacy near his base, pulled a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asked the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom.

The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one.

The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer."

Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and said, "The regiment has voted to replace."...
Making cookies ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Necessary action A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase in their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents near the station where he was based were so high.

She received the following letter in reply:

"Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents, up to a maximum of three. If the birth of a child will mean your husband is entitled to more quarters allowance, notify him to take the necessary action."...
One-gun salute When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed that one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, she said to him, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister?"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."...
Letter from home There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother, and after reading it he becomes very sad.

His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter.

So the second guy reads that his friend's mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritis. "Well," the friend said to the first guy. "That's not so bad."

The first guy turns to him and says, "Yeah. That's what you think. I know those Ritus boys and Art is the worst one!" ...
Hotel By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."...
Sailor came home A sailor came home from a secret two-year mission at sea only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Marvin?" he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jerry then?" he asked.
"NO!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped. ...
Concerning "Hooah!" Hooah (who-ah), adj. U.S. Army Slang. Referring to, or meaning anything and everything except "no." Generally used when at a loss for words. Also:

1.good copy, solid copy, roger, good or great; message received, understood.
2. glad to meet you, welcome.
3. I do not know, but will check on it, I haven't the vaguest idea.
4.I am not listening.
5. that is enough of your drivel--sit down.
6. stop sniveling.
7. you've got to be kidding.
8.yes.
9. thank you.
10. go to the next [briefing] slide.
11. you have taken the correct action.
12. I don't know what that means, but am too embarrassed to ask for clarification.
13. that is really neat, I want one too.
14. amen. ...
Army reunion Two mates met at an Army renunion. 'G'day you old bastard', they greeted each other.
'What have you been doing?' One said, 'Well, you know I played the violin in the Regimental band? Well I married a girl who plays the harp really well. We have two children, a boy who plays the flute and a girl who in a dab hand on the drums. Come over one evening and we'll give you a musical evening'.
'Thanks' said his mate. 'As you know, I was the Regiment's champion boxer. Well, I married a girl who is a black belt at unarmed defence. We have only one son. He's in the Police Force and is a champion wrestler. Come over to our house one evening. We can't offer you a musical evening but we can give you a bloody good hiding....
Motor Pool The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stoney silence for a second or two.
"Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No," said Paddy.
"It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to."
"Well, do you know who you are talking to?"
"No," roared the colonel.
"Well thank goodness for that," said Paddy slamming the phone down.
...
The Recruits Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.
"Hey Johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes I've ever seen!"
"Yes, sir" the young man answered.
"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the D.I again.
"Yes, sir"
"And that hair - don’t they have barbershops where you came from?"
"Yes, sir", answered the recruit.
"So why didn’t you get a haircut?"
"I was saving up for shoes, sir" ...
Tigers ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
First Patrol A newly minted Marine Corporal lands in the Nam in early '67, and before his gear is stowed, the platoon Sgt. informs him he's assigned to a search-and-destroy patrol that night...they're going out hunting Viet Cong. The young Texan thinks for a minute, then asks "works for me, sarge, but before I get in trouble, what's the bag limit?" ...
The Wong Recruit ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A CARRIER PILOT ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Duty A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."...
The Pentagon, Fun Fact The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites....
No Ears ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Military Guarantee The ensign was instructing a group of enlisted reserves on the potential for information about an attack transport their ship was towing. They were seated in a cramped room full of green scopes and crackling radios. The end of the lecture was concluded with these words: "Thus you can tell that there is no possible danger because nothing can approach within 2000 yards of us without our being aware of it at once."
Just then the towed ship bumped into the main vessel where the lecture was held and all were thrown off their feet. While they were struggling to get up, the duty radarman said, "Now you men must realize something the officer lecturing you did not tell you. There is a 300-yard deductible on that guarantee!"...
Mother's Request A brusque, pompous lady charged into President Lincoln's office one day. "Mr. President," she said, "I demand that my son be given a commission as a major, at least. I ask this not as a favor but as a right because my grandfather fought at Lexington, my father fought at New Orleans and my husband was killed at Monterey."
"Dear Madam," the President remarked smoothingly, "It seems to be that your family has done enough for this nation. It is now time to give somebody else a chance."...
The Family Jewel? ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
A Marine at barber shop A Marine enters a barber shop for a haircut and a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, the Marine mentions that he always has problems getting a close shave around the cheeks, that it looks sloppy and distracts from his appearance.

"I have just the thing", says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just get a wooden ball like this and place it between your cheek and gum". "Here, let me show you how well it works".

The Marine places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds to give him the closest shave the Marine has ever experienced. After a few more strokes the Marine starts thinking about the ball in his mouth. So he asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?

"No problem", says the barber, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everone else does." ...

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