Military Affairs Three men met at a military function and started to introduce themselves to one another.
First man: I am a Major in the Air Force, married, have two sons - one is a doctor and the other a lawyer.
Second man: I am a Major in the Marines, married, have two sons - one is a businessman and the other a company chief executive.
Third man: I am a Private in the Army, unmarried, have two sons - and both are Majors! ...
One Liners Locked, cocked and ready to rock!

Just putting metal on steel, one shot, one kill!

Lead, follow, get out of the way!

Follow me! Lead the way!

We’re the Bravo Company Bullets, and silently we strike!
We’re swift, silent, and deadly, and always ready to fight!
And if you ask our motto, for this we’ll surely say:
Bullets, huuh, bullets, huuh, BANG!! ...

DEPARTMENT OF THE STORK
Headquarters, U.S. Army Baby Brigade
Fort Obstetrics, Texas 76544 ...
Military Pastime The military base was located far from "civilization," so the troops were forced to entertain themselves. One of the more popular pastimes was playing cards. Large groups of soldiers met regularly to play bridge, poker and gin rummy, but the most popular game by far was hearts.

It happened that a few of the non-commissioned officers weren't well liked by the troops. One in particular was unanimously hated and, as a result, was never invited to play in any soldier card games. One foggy winter's eve, the NCO complained to his commanding officer, who put a stop to the whole business by posting this notice: SGT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BANNED. ...
The Twelve Days of Field Ex ::: Military jokes and humor...
Saddam goes to School ::: Military Jokes....
THE U.S. MILITARY AND THE KING A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the search for a pattern in US military activities since World War II that might predict what the future missions of the US will be in the post-Cold War world.

"We think they are spelling out a message," explained an unnamed spokesperson. "Just look at the places where the US has fought: Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua and Somalia. If you rearrange the first letters of those countries, it spells 'ELVIS _S KING.' We just need to find another 'I' country to complete the message."

[ Maybe Italy should be worried? ] ...
Gestures Explained ::: Military jokes and humor...
Saddam's Dream Sadam called President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a flag."

Clinton said:"Sadam, what was on the flag?"

Sadam said: "Allah is G-d, G-d is Allah".

Clinton said: "You know, Sadam, I'm really glad you called because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Bagdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war, it had been completely rebuilt. And on every building there was a flag."

Sadam said: "Bill, what was on the flag?"

Clinton replied: "I really don't know, I can't read Hebrew!" ...
How The Military Has Changed Over The Years ::: Military Jokes...
You know you are a military brat if you... ::: Military Jokes...
Lincoln's Prayer Two Quaker ladies were arguing about Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederacy, and President Lincoln.

"I believe that Mr. Jefferson will win this war," said the one lady.

"And why dost thee think so?"

"Because Mr. Jefferson is a praying man .

"But so is Abraham a praying man."

"Yes. I know. But the Lord will think Abraham is only joking." ...
Are You Supposed To Be Here? While stationed in Washington, D.C., a man used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer. To his surprise he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police.

An MP approached him and said in a stern voice, "Are you supposed to be here?"

Unsure of what to say, he replied, "Not yet." The MP held back a smile and waved him on.
...
Two Types Of Officers ::: Military Jokes...
Operation Of Aeroplaner ::: Military Jokes...
WRONG WAY UP AND DOWN A farmer saw a parachutist landing on his field and said: "You must be brave to come down with a parachute in a raging gale like this."

The parachutist answered: "I didn't come down like this in a parachute. I went up with a tent blown up by the gale and just got back again in the same manner."...
NO HAUL The sailor's wife addressed the psychiatrist: "I'm worried about my husband."

"What's wrong with him?"

"Since he retired from the Navy he's been boating in the bath-tub in the bathroom fishing in the water in the bath-tub."

"And why are you so excited?"

"The trouble is he has no haul. And I myself am quite anxious to have some fresh fish for dinner!"...
Basic-trainee promotion ::: Military Jokes. ...
A transport had been sunk and several lifeboats were cruising about the surrounding waters picking up survivors. A completely bald-headed sailor popped up alongside one of the boats.

One of the Irishmen manning the oars spotted him and, with a snort of rage, brought his oar down smack on the bald man's pate. "This is no time for fooling." he cried. "Go down and come up straight." ...
A slightly yellow-livered young gent from Long Island succeeded in evading the draft by convincing the eye doctor that he couldn't see properly ten paces ahead of him.

That very night he was seated contentedly in the very last row of the huge Radio City Music Hall, and, to his horror, found the very same eye doctor seated next to him eyeing him very coldly.

The young man thought fast. "Pardon me, doctor." he said with a slight tremor in his voice. "Could you tell me if I am on the right bus for Jamaica?" ...
This war will be over in two months "This war will be over in two months." said Mr. Smith confidently to his neighbor, as they rode downtown on the subway together one morning.

"How do you figure that ?" asked his neighbor.

"Well, sir," said Mr. Smith, "my Johnny enlisted in the Navy yesterday and he has never held a job for over two months in his life." ...
West Pointer "Sir, I'll have you know I'm a West Pointer !"...
Drill sergeant A typical bull-necked sergeant was putting a platoon of raw recruits through its first session of close order drill.

"Forward march !" "Halt !" "Right face !" "Left face !" "About face !" he barked in rapid succession.

Recruit Ole Olson took about ten minutes of this and then suddenly flung his Springfield to the ground and set off for barracks.

"Hey !" roared the outraged Sergeant. "Where in heck do you think you're goin' ?"

"Ay quit !" answered Ole quietly. "Ay be damned if ay drill with a damn fool who can't make up his mind !" ...
Top 5 signs you work in the U.S. military of the nineties: 5. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear "civvies" to work.

4. You find you really need Microsoft PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living to your civilian friends.

3. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

2. You're no longer capable of putting on a briefing without a computerized slide presentation.

And, the number one sign you work in the military of the nineties:

1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. ...
NO FUTURE IN IT The flying instructor told a recruit: "Yeah, the only flying job you're fit in the Air Force is that of an observer in a pilotless plane."...
OBSCURED VIEW The captain was scanning the horizon with a telescope from his bridge.

"What obscured visibility!" he grumbled. "All the sky-line is overcast."

"May I venture a remark, sir?" said timidly an ensign from the deck watch.

"Yes, what's it?"

"You're looking through a whiskey bottle, sir. And the one half-filled at that."...
Which Service has the Dumbest Officers? * Well, in the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.

In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"

And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in their pretty flight suits, flying their expesnive toys, while the enlisted people head for the club for a long one.

* Or, conversely, the smartest enlisted people.
...
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?...
Long landing rollout A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport." ...
You might be a tanker If ::: Military Jokes...

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