Colonel: Successful crossing, well planned and carried out in accordance with
my directives.
Chief: About time that thing worked; hope the Colonel's finally happy.
NCO: Changed two wings, a beak, and removed a bad egg, and the silly thing still
can't fly!
2nd Lt.: Look at the pretty bird!
TOWER: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion
incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please
reemphasize that chickens are required to read back all 'hold short' instructions.
COMMAND POST: What chicken?
Air Education and Training Command (AETC): The purpose is to familiarize the
chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road crossing should be performed only
between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least 3
miles of visibility and a safety observer.
Air Force Special Operations Command (AFSOC): The chicken crossed at a 90-degree
angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum
surprise, the chicken should perform this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably
near a road bend in a valley.
Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC): Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken
was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year
controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards.
Every chicken will be required to do one road crossing during its career, and
this will not affect its opportunities for promotion.
Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither
confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see
the SSO.
Air Force Reserve Command (AFRC): If it didn't happen on a Saturday or Sunday,
we missed it.
Air Force Foreign Technology Center (AFFTC): This event will need confirmation;
we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions
to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for
chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated
by some as 'roads.'
Air Combat Command (ACC): The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if
road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing
currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor
chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the
road.
Pacific Air Force (PACAF): We don't have chickens yet, as they haven't been
funded. The latest projection is for chickens in FY2002, at which time they
will be WRM assets assigned to ACC.
Air Mobility Command (AMC): The purpose is not important. What is important
is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS and did not CHOP
to the theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing, the chicken was
able to achieve a seamless road crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit
visibility.
Tanker Airlift Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and the
time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
Air Force Materiel Command (AFMC): Recent changes in technology, coupled with
today's multi-polar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the
chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant
challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment.
AFMC's Chicken Systems Program Office(CSPO), in a partnering relationship with
the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy
and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO
helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences
to align the chicken's people, processes, and technology in support of its overall
strategy within a Program management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse
cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants
with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary
of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both
tacit and explicit, and to enable them synergism with each other in order to
achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing
an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median
processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating
an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and
built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned
with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program
Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission requirements.
C-130 CREWMEMBER: Just put the damn bird in the back and let's go.
C-141 CREWMEMBER: I ordered a #4 with turkey and ham, NOT Chicken! Besides,
where the heck are my condiments?! We ain't taking off til' I get my ^&*(%$$
condiments!!!
AWACS CREW: Due to our being in a turn at that precise moment, we have no confirmation
of any chickens in the area at that time. Our ACE advises that such an event
is extremely unlikely, in any case.
FIGHTER JOCK: Look, dude, that was the frag, OK? I've flown my 1.0 for the day
and I ain't got time for any more questions!
F-117 PILOT: Wasn't that great! I snuck up on it at 2 feet AGL at 480 knots,
illuminated its tail feathers with the laser designator, and 'goosed' it before
it even knew I was there!
B-1 CREW: Missed the whole show: We had an IFE so we couldn't get out to see
it; you'll have to ask the SOF.
CHECKMATE: The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to
bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and strike
directly into the heart of the enemy, destroying the will of the enemy to fight
and ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken.
CONGRESS: The chicken appears to be an efficient substitute for F-22s!(And Congress
just pulled the funding for the F-22)