CHEMICAL WARFARE "When Lot's wife looked back", said the Sun-day school teacher at an Army post, "what happened to her?"

"My dad says she was transmuted into chloride of sodium," answered the brat with the goggles, "and my dad sure knows everything about chemical warfare. ...
EVIDENT PROGRESS The battalion commander saw Sergeant Gorton and asked him: "Well, sergeant, any progress in general education? By the way, how did you get along in the examination in English grammar yesterday?"

"Oh, I done fine, sir," reported the happy sarge. "I only made one mistake and I seen as soon as I done it."...
SELF-SUFFICIENCY Sergeant Kent, in a fit of patronizing mood, asked Private Lyndon if he needed any help with his drill.

"Oh, no, sergeant," replied the soldier, "I might as well get it wrong by myself."...
EXCUSE "Why are you late, cadet?"

"Class started before I got here."...
CORRECT An examiner in military history at an Army college asked a cadet: "State the strength of the US Armed Forces in any given year of history."

The cadet replied at once: "1492 - none."...
STRICT DISCIPLINE When asked if discipline was strict in his unit Private Gilbert replied:

"Strict? You remember Jonesey? Well, he died in class, and they propped him up until the lecture ended." ...
EXEMPT OF OBLIGATION The Old Man liked to call the whole staff in his headquarters office in to listen to extremely stale jokes he picked up somewhere. He was just having such a party and everybody but one lieutenant in the corner laughed uproariously. "What's the matter, lieutenant," grumbled the Old Man. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh, sir," reported the officer. "I've got reassignment to another place and leaving Friday anyhow."

LOST AND FOUND "Just imagine," said a man. "Just as my friend Jackson was going to board the train to go to his training camp after he'd been enlisted, he turned and ran out and left the town and the recruiters were not able to locate him."

"Lost his nerve?"

"No - found it."...
HEAVY ATTENDANCE At the Army recruiting center of a district the inspector asked: "How was the attendance today?"

The recruiting officer reported: "Yesterday and on the day before yesterday nobody came to volunteer, but today the attendance fell off a bit."...
LOOK ALIVE - ALWAYS It was death scene in a war play, but the director was not satisfied with the hero's acting.

"Come on!" he cried. "Put more life in your dying. You're a soldier after all. A soldier should always look alive."
...
ASKING ABOUT DISTANCES During an exercise march a truck lagged behind the column of other vehicles.

"How far is it to the next filling station?" the driver asked a farmer.

"Nigh onto two miles as the crow flies," was the exhaustive answer.

"Well, how far is it if the damned crow has to walk and roll a flat tire?" the driver wished to get more exhaustive information.
...
TRADITIONAL HAPPY END "Does that war film have a happy ending?"

"Sure, everybody was glad it was over."...
PROPER FIRE CONTROL INSTRUMENT "Why do you keep looking at the watch?" the commander asked an officer in charge of the firing exercise.

"It isn't a watch, sir, it's a compass."...
KEEP MOVING It was a hand-to-hand fighting exercise. "Have I done him any damage?" the trainee asked his instructor,

"No, but keep on swinging your rifle. The draft may give him a cold."...
EVERYTHING IN DUPLICATE "I see they've started to duplicate not only papers in the Army but even noncoms," commented Private Brown.

"Why?" asked his friend.

"When I returned to the barracks after I'd been AWOL for twenty hours I had two Sergeants
James meeting me at the door in duplicate."...
BIG TROUBLE Two GIs somewhere in Vietnam were hitting the dirt under very heavy fire.

Said one of them: "Joe, I could hit the deck even more down if it weren't for my blasted buttons on the uniform!"...
NO EXAGGERATION...

COMRADES-IN-ARMS? Two school friends met after a long time. One was a radio operator and the other a theater actor. The actor asked, trying to look big, "Well, what's your business, Jim?"

"I'm a ham," replied the second.

"You mean to say you're a theater star too?" exclaimed the unpleasantly surprised actor. ...

LAST WISH Private Shaw was on the carpet before his CO.

"Got anything to say before I fire you from the Army?" barked the officer, foaming at his mouth.

"Yes," answered the soldier with great composure. "How about a promotion?"...
FIRE FIGHTING PROCEDURE The phone rang at the city fire house five minutes after the fire men had all retired for their afternoon nap.

"It's Private Mills speaking. I'm CQ at my unit and there's a terrible blaze at the barracks," the voice frantically cried. "The flames are licking through the basement and the first floor. Pretty soon they'll ravage the entire place!"

"Did you try throwing water over it?" asked the fire chief.

"Yes!"

"Then there's no use coming over. That's all we do!"...
NEW AWARD A GI who got a very light injury in a pacification (read "punitive") operation in Vietnam asked the doctor: "Doc, what kind of decoration can I get for this wound?"

"Wound?" gasped the doctor. "But it's just a mere scratch! What award can you expect for this?"

"The Lesion of Merit," was the proud reply.'...
SURPRISES A sergeant told his men: "Well, boys, I've got two surprises for you. One is unpleasant and the other is pleasant. One is that you have to fill all these bags in the heap with sand. And the pleasant one is that sand is available in any quantity here!"...
FRANK The enraged sergeant barked (it is known even to a non-linguist GI that NCOs in the US Army do not talk or speak - they bark, roar, bellow, or snap, snarl, growl, etc.): "Private, why don't you wipe off that vicious scowl off your face?"

"What for? I'm no hypocrite, sergeant," replied the soldier....
TOO SEVERE Two tankmen discussed the recent incident in the unit.

"Don't you think, Joe, that the Old Man has thrown the book at PFC Formes for a minor thing? After all all Formes did was only to enter the company office without knocking."

"Yes, but he entered it on his tank!"...
SOUNDS PHONY A girl asked a soldier: "What's your name?"

"A12325"

"Is it your real name?"

"No, it's my service number."

"Sounds like a pen-name?"...
WHY ONLY TALL? An applicant for enrollment to an officers' school was turned down.

"He's too short of stature," the school commandant explained.

"So what?"

"An officer should be taller than his subordinates, to look on them down, not up!"...
IN THE FAMILY A young man entered the Army recruiting center.

He Wore a purple sheet, a seventeenth century cape and a Napoleonic hat. On his feet were spurs that jingle-Jangled, tied around his waist was a braided silk rope which pulled a toy missile launcher when he walked.In one hand he had a lollipop and in the other a mock-up submachine gun.

"Sir," he said to the recruiting officer, "I want to put in a word for my brother who's going to enlist tomorrow. You see, great interest in military service passes from generation to generation in our family!"...
NO DIFFERENCE In the draft times in the USA a young man appeared at the draft board with a waste-paper basket on his head. The draft officer exclaimed, "What are you doing" wearing a waste-paper basket for a hat?"

"Listen, reporting for the draft is like throwing my head away. And if I wanna throw my head away it's my business how."...
ONLY LITTLE ONES A traveller asked a resident of a small town somewhere in the south of the US, "Small town you got. Lotta big generals born here?

"No, only babies."...
FORM OF LABOR SAVING The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully: "Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men."

"What is it?" the officer got interested.

"Two hundred soldiers."
...
SUPER WEAPON A military inventor suggested a super weapon that could produce as much destruction among enemy ranks as one hundred soldiers, armed to the teeth. But trials revealed that it took a thousand soldiers to operate it....

HOME