The Gunny and the Chief... ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Pentagon study The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away....
Betting Sailor ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
The Admiral's Defense A Navy Admiral (*which Navy will go unspecified) was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of 'being out of uniform.'
The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: 'A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged.'
The Admiral was acquitted. ...
Few Hour War The instructor wanted to impress upon the soldiers how horrific any combat could become using nuclear weapons. He told the class, "The next war will be over in a matter of hours." One recruit whispered to a buddy, "Good !!! We'll get the rest of the day off then." ...
Privates ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Hook ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
On the third day... A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert, never having seen a woman. They finally decided to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it....
Military Phone message Thank You for calling the US Army....
Original sin In the murkiness of a skid-row alley, a street-walker mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him....
Mess with the men The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them. ...
Captain Kirk The loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was transmitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS:

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"...
The Royal Wedding of the Prince and Princess ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Facing the Firing Squad ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Chief is So Old....... ...Chief’s birth certificate says EXPIRED!
...When God said “Let There Be Light!,” Chief flipped the switch.
...Chief’s Oath of Office is in Roman Numerals.
...Chief reminisces about the good times they had during Sherman’s March to the Sea.
...When Chief was in school there was no history class.
...Chief’s Social Security Number is 1....
Recruit in the desert ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Military Camouflage Uniform Wear Policies MARINES: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
ARMY: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
NAVY: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)
AIR FORCE: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them....
WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT?? This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks.
"WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered.
In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, "I said, to myself, Drill Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here and take his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of character....
Attitude
From one of Tom Clancy's books: Commanding officer: "Alright! How about an attitude check???"
Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS F#CKING PLACE!"

CO: "Now, let's be more positive..."
Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS F#CKING PLACE!"

CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..."
Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS F#CKING PLACE!"

CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?"
Crew: "F#CK THIS PLACE!"...
Dangerous Dick ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Privates A young nurse was giving an old army man a bath and told him he would have to wash his own privates.
"Privates?!" he shouted. "At my age they should be at least Generals by now."...
I got my four Sir During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. 'Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?'
The Marine replied, 'I got my four Sir.'
...
Military Protocol MARINES: Will address all officers as "Sir," and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e., Sgt. Smith).
ARMY: Will address all officers as "Sir," unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sergeant."
NAVY: Will address all officers as "Skipper," and all enlisted personnel as "Chief."
AIR FORCE: All Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with each other...
The tightest pants A Marine had been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he had ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get in those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." ...
The military difference What is the difference between the military and the Boy Scouts?
The Scouts have adult leaders!
...
Congratulations In Order An Army major was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.
When the major and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival.
The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook the major's hand.
"Don't congratulate me, sir," he said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
"Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl." ...
Folding the Flag The daily routine aboard the USS Trenton off the Somali coast, transporting Marines and their cargo to and from shore, was disrupted by a visit from an admiral. Sam Rickabaugh was in charge of the 30-by-50-foot American flag.
After the admiral gave his speech and left, the flag was to be lowered. Sam had folded our national flag many times, but never one of this immense size. Fortunately, a group of Marines nearby was quick to help. One of them, Ramirez, immediately took charge, showing great pride with every meticulous fold.
"Where did you master the art of folding a flag this size?" Sam asked. "Are you on a special flag detail?"
"Actually," said Ramirez, "I learned this while working at McDonald's."...
Military Meal Standards MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.
NAVY: 3 hot meals.
AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat...
Home On Leave One of the first evenings back from overseas, the understanding parents of a soldier's girlfriend left them alone in the living room.

Naturally, they did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, the soldier noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching them from the doorway.

"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," he said to her.

Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.

"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch." ...
The height of a flagpole A group of lieutenants were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures. They're falling off the ladders and dropping the tape measure. The whole thing is a mess.
Finally, a sergeant comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the lieutenants, and walks away.
After the sergeant has gone, one lieutenant turns to another and laughs, "Isn't that just like a sergeant? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!" ...
The Paratrooper Just before a soldier made his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."
The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he careened crazily earthward, he said to himself, "Damn. Nothing's going right. Now I'll bet that damn truck won't be there either!" ...

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