What happened? One day a 2nd Lt. arrives at the base hospital with terrible burns on both sides of his head. When the doctor asks how he got the burns the Lt. replies that he was ironing his shirts when the phone rang. Without thinking he lifted the iron to his ear as if it was the phone's receiver, thus the burn on the right side of his head.

The doctor rolls his eyes in disbelief, then asks how the Lt. got the burn on the left side of his head.

The Lt. replies, "I had to call an ambulance didn't I"?...
Rangers vs Special Forces The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen? ...
BOASTING COMPETITION A USN ship of rather old type returned to her pier at the port and tied up ahead of a newly commissioned ship which had a canvas on the forward gangway reading, "The Latest and the Greatest."

Within an hour of the arrival the canvas of the old ship was replaced by one reading, "The Oldest and the Boldest."...
A Letter Dear Sir,...
No more sales A HELICOPTER rescue crew, helping people marooned by a blizzard in the Scottish Highlands, spotted a smoking chimney just above the snow. Landing, they made their way to the chimney and shouted down it that they were the RAF Rescue Team. Back came a voice: "Get away with you! I bought a flag off you people last week." ...
Berrys LIEUTENANT BERRY got a pass for his wife and daughter to visit him at the army camp. The two went around to the side gate, which was the shortest route to his office. But a sentry stopped them. "Sorry, you'll have to go through the front gate," he said. "Nobody is allowed to pass through here." "But we're the Berrys," protested the wife. "Lady, I don't care if you're the cat's pajamas -- you can't go through this gate."...
Kicking a colonel A SERGEANT and a private were court-martialed for kicking a colonel as he got into his car. The sergeant said the colonel had stepped on his most sensitive corn, and he had lost control of his reflexes, kicking the colonel unintentionally. That made sense to the court. The private then gave his explanation: "I saw the sergeant kicking the colonel and I thought the war was over."
...
You Know You're a Military Brat When......
Why I Like Marines....
THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN MARINE CORPS: A Private saying, "I just got the word...."

A Sergeant saying, "Lock and Load!"

A Second Lieutenant saying, "Follow me!"

A Captain saying to an in-bound A-6, "Our position is....."

A Lt. Col. chuckling, "I've seen this shit before...." ...
Telling Stories With Paratroops: Three old paratroopers were sitting around the fire one night and began telling lies.

The first advised he had just wrestled a bull to the ground BARE-HANDED.

The second jumper said, "I was walking down the creek the other day when a 15' rattler slid out in front of me and demanded satisfaction. I grabbed that SOB with my bare hands and bit the head off the mother. I sucked all the poison out and I'm alive today.

The third trooper stood up, dropped his pants, stirred the red coals with his penis and hollered, "AIRBORNE!"
...
Marines hunting...
New Major Having just moved into his new office, a rather pompous new Major was sitting at his desk when an enlisted man knocked at the door.

Conscious of his new command and position, the Major quickly picked up the phone, told the enlisted man to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message."
"In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir".

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he askd, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the enlisted man replied, "just here to hook up your telephone, sir". ...
Four elderly gentlemen ::: Military jokes and humor...
WAVE ::: Military jokes and humor...
POP Quiz ::: Military jokes and humor...
The Last word...
NCO/OFFICER A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says:"Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an NCO", says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist,"everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be an Officer".
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."...
Private on duty A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings: "Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" The voice on the other end asked.
"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of motorcycles, and fat-ass Johnson's command jeep."
"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No sir."
"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"
"Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"Not yet!"
"That's good! Bye, Fat-Ass!"...
You might be a Ranger if... Your ARMY TIMES subscription expired and you were forced to buy toilet paper.
You consider chewing REDMAN as good as brushing you teeth.
You spend more money at the CAV STORE than you do on your wife.
You get aroused at a gun show.
Your kids favorite reading books are the CASKA series.
You don't know anyone who owns less than 10 guns.
You think the smell of BREAKFREE makes a woman sexier.
You were fired from your civilian job as a construction worker because of your vulgar language.
Yeah....you too might be a Ranger if you gave your wife a GPS (with batteries) for your anniversary.
...
World War II Story ::: Military jokes and humor...
13 Excuses NATO Uses for Bombing the Wrong Target 13. Just tryin' to impress the chicks.
12. NATO strategists were loathe to open maps of the area because refolding them can be difficult and annoying.
11. "Kosovo?! We though you said KOKOMO!"
10. Bombardier still pissed off about his Yugo.
9. Chinese embassy "just too shiny to ignore."
8. Pilot's ugly little secret: never COULD hit those womprats back home in Beggar's Canyon.
7. Totally hammered after losing a game of "quarters" to Boris Yeltsin.
6. Canadian navigator busy extolling virtues of Celine Dion.
5. Pilot playing Kosovo bingo needed B5, not G2.
4. Forgot to adjust for weight of Slim Pickens.
3. Male pilots refused to stop and ask for directions.
2. General Magoo has no comment.
1. NATO headquarters dinner order for "take out Chinese" was grossly misunderstood. ...
"THE CREATION" written in 1977 by LTC Robert K. Suchke, USA SF Retired
SF verse added in 1981...
BIGGER TARGET Off an invasion beach the captain of an assault support ship noticed that one of his assault landing craft was in trouble drawing particularly heavy fire from the enemy. The Captain directed his ship to the craft.
As they drew alongside the man in charge of the landing party said, "I'm glad to see you, skipper."
It made the captain feel good until, with the next breath, he said, "Now the bastards can shoot at you instead of me."...
Costume party at a mental hospital One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital, and the theme of the party was "war".

The first patient comes up onto the stage and says, "I am an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb." Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically. When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied, "Didn't you see how short his fuse was?" ...
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. The young lad anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked her grandson, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup of coffee?"

Her grandson proudly replied, "You know Grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."...
Commissioned office insignias The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable."

"When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" asked the Ensign.

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves." ...
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available.

Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five a.m. The newspapers reported the incident as: "The Whirly Bird Gets the Urn."...
MONEY REFUNDED At a parachute jumping school a trainee asked:
"How much is a parachute jump?"
"Ten bucks exactly."
"And what if the chute fails to open?"
"No need to worry - money will be refunded all right."...
A Real ROMAD...
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN KOREA TOO LONG WHEN... ::: Military Jokes...

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