CHALLENGE ACCEPTED A drunk GI in a bar was challenging every customer to fight with him. One witty man said: "Okay, I'll fight you. You go outside and if I am not out there in five minutes, start without me!" ...
CIVILIAN TRADITIONS "Why is it," the captain who was inspecting the new arrivals asked the sergeant, "that all the tall, good-looking recruits are in the front rank and the small, unprepossessing ones in the rear?"
"Beg your pardon, sir," answered the sergeant, "you see, in civvy street I operated a fruit stand."...
GENERAL EDUCATION (Army Way)...
FINDING ONE'S WAY In the part of an operation order dealing with traffic regulations for division movement there were the following instructions: "Detour signs will be placed so that no one will have any trouble getting lost."...
C-in-C A Pentagon brass hat wished to place a call to a missile base, CONUS, but he dialled a wrong area code and got a wrong number. When the telephone call was answered the general asked if he might speak to the commander of the base. A long pause followed. Then he heard a man holler, "Honey, it's for you!" ...
BEAUTIES OF THE SEA The old swabbie was trying to cheer up a worried green sailor: "Never mind, lad. Keep your chin up. You see how beautiful is everything around at sea. You see there is a ship over there on the horizon."
"I don't care about any ship," groaned the lad. "Show me better a bus!"...
This Marine, all messed up from Vietnam, went to the hospital to get checked. Because of the war, his brain was all scewed up, and all he could say was the words to the Marines hymn.
So the doctor asked his name, he replied, "From the halls of montezuma..."
The doctor decided to remove part of his brain, thinking that would cure it. When the doctor did this, the Marine still said "From the halls of montezuma..."
The doctor figured he did not remove enough of the brain. So after removing some more, the marine still only said those words.
The doctor, now getting frustrated, decided to take the rst of the brain out. Now the Marine, with no brain, stood up and started singing, "Be all that you can be..." ...
MEDICAL COUNTDOWN An elderly fellow, suffering from insomnia, decided to see a doctor.
"Count from ten to zero and repeat until your eyelids are heavy. That way of counting is the last word in medical science."
A few days later, the sufferer returned to the doctor's office.
"You seem the worse for wear," said the physician.
"It's the effect of the advice. I count but when I reach 'zero' I always jump out of bed."
"Why?" asked the doctor.
"In the Army I was a missile man," he replied ...
COMMUNICATIONS WITHOUT COMMUNICATION At Army Communications School a seminar was planned but called off. But everybody came to attend. Nobody had thought to notify those that were to attend. The seminar topic was 'Communications - US Army'...
ETIQUETTE The ship was sinking. An Englishman with a pipe in his mouth came out of his cabin and asked the captain: "Where's the boat for smokers?"...
NO AGREEMENT After hearing the sergeant talk the commander remarked: "Y'know, sarge, a man with a GT score like yours should have a low voice too."...
A Comparison of the U.S. Military Branches...
A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."</font>...
Navy navigation The ability to steer a warship by referring to the compass alone is a delicate balancing act between hand and eye.
One young helmsman was having difficulty doing it. Checking the compass the Officer of the Watch discovered they were again off course. "What are you doing 15 degrees off course?" he bellowed !!
"Coming back from thirty Sir." the helmsman replied....
Military Specs Live Forever...
YOUR FAMILY MIGHT BE TOO HOOAH IF...
PT An old Soldier and a young Soldier were discussing the merits of PT.
"We usually did one period on Friday afternoon with the whole battalion, if at all" the veteran said.
"I guess you didn't believe in PT in the old days" the young lad replied, "Yeah you might say that," the vet winked, "With route marches, advance to contacts and digging defensive positions, PT was considered recreation."...
HALO OF MYSTERY A man decided to take advantage of the halo of mystery surrounding all sorts of hush-hush military projects. He painted his car military fashion (OD with a touch of camouflage) and stenciled the letters on the sides: USC 275-20-2552. From then on he traveled wherever he pleased and MPs waved him through the roadblocks.
A friend asked him: "What do the letters USC stand for?" "US Citizen and the number is my Social Security Number." ...
ATHLETICS PROBLEMS When asked what was the most difficult task in coaching the unit team of athletes, a coach replied, "Separating the menu from the chow hounds," ...
INCOMPLETE READINESS The sergeant was reporting to the commander: "But, sir, we're not 'fully combat-ready... not all of my men have haircuts yet." ...
JAWS Two sailors had jumped off the sinking ship and were swimming hard trying to find something for support.
"Hey, man," suddenly one of them shouted, "a shark has just bitten off one of my legs!"
"Which one?" shouted his friend. There was a long pause. Then... "How do I know, man? All these sharks look the same." ...
WRONG HIT A traffic sign in an Army camp area: "Drive Carefully... The Man You Hit May NOT Be a Lifer." ...
MAN OR ANIMAL? A frightened lady in a train car screamed to draw the guard's attention.
"Quick, a strange animal has got into my berth!"
"Animal? How does it look?"
"Judging by many stripes it's a zebra."
Investigations revealed an Army sergeant snoring blissfully in the berth in full uniform with all hash marks. ...
IMMEDIATE PRECAUTION The sergeant received a call from his wife.
"Oh, Ted, a terrible thing has happened - our little Rhonnie has swallowed a cartridge from your shotgun! What should I do?"
"Leave him quiet for a while and don't aim him at anybody, for God's sake," were the immediate instructions (showing a person wise in weapon handling). ...
CORRECT COUNT A cadet was making his first parachute jump. The instructor noticed with a sinking heart that the chute was not opening.
"What is he doing? I've told him a thousand times to count till three, and then pull the ring!"
The cadet reached the ground with a heavy thud. The instructor bent over him to hear him whispering: "Th-rree..." ...
ONLY ONE HOLE A widow was asked: "Why did your husband die?"
"He had a small hole in his suit."
"Well, it's odd," mused another lady. "I haven't patched up so many holes in my husband's suit and e is still alive... ."
"Maybe, but my husband was a diver." ...
SPOTS The medical officer at an Army recruiting center was examining an applicant: "Now, Smith, can you see the chart better with these glasses?"
"Yes, sir."
"And what about the spots before your eyes?"
"I can see them better, too, sir." ...
GETTING WINGS When hearing that a flying tank was under development Sergeant John McMurray remarked: "Until now, we were of the impression that tank crews were sure to get wings only dying in battles."...
MAIN THING A son told his mother that after a long search for a job he decided to volunteer for the Army and was to be sent to England. Mom said, "I don't mind where you work as long as you come home to sleep every night."...
CLICKING HEELS AND... A drill sergeant yelled to a batch of rookies: "I want to hear your eyeballs click when I say: 'Eyes Right!' "...
NEAR MISS "I came pretty near going to have a good time," said a G. I.
"How near?"
"Well, I reported to my sergeant for going on leave and wasn't allowed."...

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