Warehouses or whorehouses In the midst of a blazing battle, an officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly on the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?!" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!!"...
A World War II pilot story...
Military Genie A platoon leader, a company commander, and a battalion commander are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the platoon leader. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless."
Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the company commander. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the battalion commander,
"You can have anything you want."
The battalion commander says, "I want those guys back in the motorpool after lunch." ...
MISSED AGAIN General Baldwin had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt.
He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern. The general yelled at a passing sergeant.
"Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that damned sniper?"
The sergeant looked down at the general and replied:
"I guess not, general. We're scared that if we kill him the enemy will replace him with somebody who really knows how to shoot."...
Military humor & jokes.
Military intelligence oxymorons Some favorite Oxymorons ...
US Army sex scandal The US Army is currently in the midst of a sexual harassment scandal. It started at a small base in Aberdeen, Maryland. These are some things you might either see in the news, or hear about:
As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to an obscure base in Utah. The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment." The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will be be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?" ...
Mom's wisdom As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. ...
The unknown soldier A delegation from the USA came to Norway, and after the grand reception and everything, asked to be taken to the monument of the unknown soldier. ...
Situation Report Msg There was a terrible explosion and fire which took over two hours to bring under control. The warehouse was destroyed and estimated damage of materials is over 100,000 dollars. No one was injured in the blast which was attributed to a buildup of gas by the Executive Officer. ...
Personnel Inspection The Marine General was inspecting the platoon. The Major and Gunny stepped smartly as they led him down the rows of immaculate Marines. The General stopped in front of one of the Marines and asked, "Where are you from Marine?"
"Iowa City, Iowa," the young Marine barked. He nodded and moved on. The General next stopped in front of a very young looking Marine. The General smiled and looked down at him, "When is your birthday Marine?"
"May 5th sir," the young Marine barked.
The General winked at the Major. "What year son?
The young Marine looked flustered and then replied, "every year sir."
The General quit smiling, brought himself back to attention and continued down the line. ...
Chopper crash While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."...
Pentagon Officer ...
Feel The Love Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. ...
Shit Happens From the Enlisted's Book of Knowledge comes this passage. ...
The new US military issue compass The military is going to the SILVA lensatic compass with mirror so that officers using it will be able to tell with a quick glance exactly who is lost. ...
Navy Heads... Why do the Swabbies call the bathroom the "Head"?...
ROOM AT THE TOP The hotel clerk was getting a trifle weary. "Look, soldier, I've told you eight times already - we don't have any rooms left. We're full up!" private Quiggle was persistent.
"If Secretary of Defense came in, would you have room for him?"
"Why, of course!" exclaimed the clerk.
"Well," said Quiggle, "let me have his room - he's not coming."...
Submarine Life The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch." ...
Officers and Enlisted Q:What is the only common ground Officers and Enlisted share?
A:They both like spending a night on the town with the Officers wives! ...
The Gunny Joke A Marine Corps Leutenant walks into the head one day and sees the Gunnery Sgt. over at the far urinal. Gunny's got his schlong out (and oh, what a schlong it was! well over six feet in length, etc.)and he's beating the side of the urinal with it. Finally the urinal shatters....
SIGN LANGUAGE Jet pilots driving off the base see this sign at the gate: "ENTERING DANGER AREA. PUBLIC HIGHWAY. GOOD LUCK!"...
Wrap your weiner, or else! A young soldier won an all expenses paid vacations to the Orient for 7 days, on a radio contest. He decided that he would spend each night with a different woman, even if he had to pay for it....
The Branches This is how the military works as related to me by a navyman....
Militia glossary Militia Leadership: 'Commander' - Whoever starts the unit. ...
What Does "Colonel" Stand For? Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. ...
The General's Visit The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door. "Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the Private.
"Yes sir!," the Private Responds.
An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived. Worried, the captain checks with the Sentry.
"Did the General arrive?"
"No Sir!"
Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again?
"Hasn't the General arrived yet?"
"No Sir!"
This continues for two hours. Finally, the General arrives.
"Where the hell have you been?," snapped the private. The captain's looking for you!...
C.R.A.P...

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