WHERE FROM? A GI returned from Vietnam.
"Hello, Keggs, did you see the report of my death in the morning paper in the column 'Vietnam Casualties'?" he called on the phone.
"Er-yes, where are you talking from?" ...
BOY MEETS GIRL (Traditional Story in Sci-fic Surroundings) ...
NO DOUBT "I can keep a secret," a soldier stated. "It's the folks I tell it that keep blabbering it all over." ...
BIG HURRY OD: "Where have you been all morning?"
Soldier: "Getting a shave, sir."
OD: "Three hours to get a shave? How many were ahead of you?"
Soldier: "Only two, sir, but forty of the barbers' friends were in a hurry." ...
NOISY JOB A gunner came to the battery commander with a request for transfer.
"What's the big idea of quitting, private?" the C.O. asked.
"It's noise," explained the Red Leg. "I don't mind firing that heavy gun all day long, but our gun captain hums incessantly." ...
COOPERATION IN METEOROLOGY A weatherman at an airfield was asked by another weatherman from a distant air station. "How is the weather in your place?"
"I dunno, Jack, so foggy I can't tell." ...
WHEELS A young sailor, fresh out of boot camp, was on his first tour at sea. The first night out he dropped his soap in the shower. His Chief was in the shower too and told him to pick up the soap. The squid said, "Oh no you don't, Chief. My Dad was in the Navy and he warned me about picking up soap in the shower." The Chief said, "Sailor, I told you to pick up the soap!" The squid still refused. The Chief said, "If you don't pick up the soap, I'm going to put you on wheel polishing detail for a week." The squid asked, "Polishing what wheels?" The Chief said, "The wheels on this ship." The squid said, "I didn't see any wheels on this ship." The Chief said, "Well they're right out side that porthole." The squid stuck his head out the port hole, looked around and said, "I still don't see any wheEEEEELS!!!"...
ON FLYING AND SPEAKING "I am no hand at public speaking," said Wilbur Wright, one of the Wright brothers, known as American inventors of airplane, at a banquet in honor of the Wright Brothers' first demonstration of a successful airplane flight in France, "and on this occasion I must content myself with a few words. As I sat here listening to the speaker who preceded me, I have heard comparisons made to the eagle, to the swallow and to the hawk, as typifying skill and speed in the mastery of the air; but somehow or other I could not keep from thinking of another bird which, of all the ornithological kingdom, is the poorest flyer and the best talker. I refer to the parrot." ...
SAFE FALL Paratrooper Hooley had a delayed opening of his chute during a training jump resulting in a heavy impact on landing.
"Were you much hurt in the fall, Hooley?" asked his friend?
"Not a bit did the fall hurt me, but the stop at the ground broke my leg," explained the paratrooper who recalled the briefing on precision in reports. ...
ATOMIC-AGE POETRY The editor looked through the poem and asked the poet: "What's the matter? There are only three words in your 'poem'!
"Yes, but what words! 'Bang, bang, bang!' "
"What does it mean?"
"Those are thermonuclear explosions." ...
YELLOW After reveille two soldiers were recalling their dreams. "I dreamed last night," Private Woody said, "that 20 enemy soldiers were chasing me."
"Why didn't you wake up?" his friend asked.
"What, and have them think I was yellow?" ...
TIME? In the US Army Airborne School, which trains parachute jumpers for the Army, one of the Sergeants was demonstrating all of the possible failures that could happen to the equipment. In particular, he was explaining how many things could happen to keep the main parachute from opening. When one of the trainees asked, "If my parachute fails to open, how long do I have to open my reserve chute?"
"Son, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!", the sergeant drawled. ...
ESSENTIAL FOOT-NOTE The following poster was displayed at an Army recruiting center in New York: "If you are a bachelor you'll learn to keep the house and get an opportunity to become a model husband."
A wit made this foot-note below: "If you're not sent to a war, to be sure."...
INSTRUCTIONS FOLLOWED The tactics instructor at a school was surprised to see a cadet standing on his head when he entered the classroom.
"What's the matter, Fainburg?" he asked. "You've told me, sir, I should turn over things in my mind before giving a solution of a tactical problem." ...
SELF-DRILL The instructor at the intelligence school told his trainee: "Dodds, they say you talk in your sleep. As an agent you may give some secrets away. So have a drill in order not to talk in sleep. It must be a triumph of mind over mutter!" ...
SURVIVAL TRAINING A group of US Army Rangers was spending the first day in a survival training exercise in the Nevada desert. Private Bunch, a native of Brooklyn, was sent out on a recco mission. He came back to the camp with a handful of rattles from an enormous rattle snake.
The leader turned pale when he saw them and said: "Holy smoke, where'd you get hold of those things?"
Private Bunch couldn't understand the other's agitation. He explained: "I took them off the biggest worm I ever seen... and tasted," he added grimly. ...
SHEER MADNESS In the morning after Private Smith faced the Commanding Officer for his drunken exploits in a pub row.
"I think you'll have to plead insanity, Smith," advised the officer. "You were seen tearing up a picture of Raquel Welch."...
UNIT'S GOOD NAME "A soldier is responsible for the good name of his unit," said the lecturer at the TI (Troop Information) hour. "Is there a man among us who would let his officer be slandered and not rise in his defense?"
One meek little private in the rear rank stood up.
"What's this?" exclaimed the speaker. "You, Private Johnes - would you permit your officers to be slandered and not protest."
"Oh," apologized the Private, resuming his seat. "I thought you said 'slaughtered'."...
THE PAPER WAR...
SHOTGUN HONESTY A farmer was being interviewed by a magazine reporter.
"Are your neighbors honest?"
"They certainly am," said the farmer.
"But I noticed a loaded shot gun near your hencoop," said the reporter.
"How do you explain it?"
"That," answered the farmer, "is to keep them honest." ...
UNDER DURESS A GI admitted: "I was forced to say sergeants are superior to men. The sergeant made me say that."...
NATURAL "You know. Sergeant Rupperts was taken to the head shrinker at the hospital who told his mind was gone."
"I'm not exactly surprised. He had been giving the men a piece of it every day for two years now."...
SICK An Army vet entered a restaurant.
"I want two eggs, fried hard, two pieces of black burnt toast and a cup of sickly dish water coffee."
"Anything else, sir?" asked the waiter.
"Yes. After you serve them I want you to bawl the life out of me! I am Army sick."...
CHEMICAL WARFARE RESEARCH A British soldier was riding alongside of an American driver from a NATO unit in Great Britain. He noticed that the driver had a big bag of powder at his feet and every few moments he scattered some of his powder to the winds behind him.
"What's the idea of the powder?" asked the Britisher.
"It's our Chemical Warfare service testing a new powder against wild beasts for the troops fighting in jungles and deserts."
"What is it supposed to do?"
"It shall keep the beasts away," said the GI.
The British Ally pondered this for a few moments, and then said, "Hey, I didn't know there were any wild boasts in Sussex!"
"There aren't," explained the driver, "and a bloody good thing too. The powder ain't no good!"...
THEIR CHANCE "Sergeant," said the colonel, "this is Mr. Edgar Flubble - one of our new inductees. You may remember him. He wrote that best seller 'Our Army is Run by Half-Wits'." ...
ALL SCHEDULED "How long do you sleep every day?" the parents asked their son who was cadet at a military school home on leave after his first weeks in service.
"It all depends," the cadet answered non-committally.
"Depends on what?"
"What kind of lessons we have every day." ...
WITH EFFECT IMMEDIATELY An officer was on a detached mission and was held up by a storm and flood. He wired his commander: "Delayed by storm send instructions."
His Old Man wired back: "Commence vacations immediately." ...
SGLI Private Tentpeg was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their SGLI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Canteen noticed that Private Tentpeg had almost a 100% record for sign-up for the insurance, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Tentpeg's sales pitch. Tentpeg explained the basics of the SGLI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into combat and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into combat and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"...
Military Etiquette Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR! ...

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