Military Advice
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why
do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir." ...
EFFICIENCY REPORT
A Navy ensign was given the following evaluation of his trial service aboard
a ship during a cruise: "He may be a good officer for the Navy, but it
is difficult to tell because he was sea-sick for the whole period of the voyage."
...
SURVEILLANCE THROUGH HYPNOPEDIA
A GI told his friend from another unit: "They've installed tape recorders
in the barracks for night use."
"Do they wish you to learn in sleep?"
"No, the commander wishes to know what soldiers say about him in sleep."...
The top 40 signs that you may be an infantry officer ::: Military jokes
and humor...
THE CAMEL ::: Military jokes and humor...
PLAYING BALL
There was a rush of recruits into a local sports goods store. All of them ordered
all the equipment for a baseball game.
"Are you sure you want all these things, boys, in the Army?" asked
the salesman.
One of the rookies answered: "Yes, you see the sergeant said if we'd play
ball with him we'd get along fine in the Army."...
MAKING UP TO THE SUPERIOR
Private Bobbins said to his friend: "I'm going over to the dentist, don't
you want to come?"
His friend said: "Why? I don't have any bad teeth!"
"Neither do I, but Sarge does! And I want to match!"...
Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable childhood as an orphan in
the ghetto. When he turned 18 he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard
and one night the sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating
out of the discarded cans and jars.
"On your free, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed.
"You'll eat in the message hall -- you're no better than the
rest of us!"...
Secure a building...
34 Ways to Simulate Being in The Navy When You're at Home...
SUBORDINATION
An officer got on a crowded bus and a soldier jumped to his feet.
"Keep your seat," said the officer and the private took his seat again,
only to get up another time a bit later. "Keep your seat, private, and
forget about subordination!" ordered the democratic minded officer.
"But, sir," protested the GI, "I have to get off. I have already
missed my stop."...
SOUND CAMOUFLAGE...
Military jokes and humor...
TEAR STORY
Private Lumens was asked by his commander: "Lumens, why did you throw
CS grenade issued you for riot control actions into the pool with the crocodile
in the zoo when you were on leave yesterday?"
"I wished to see the crocodile's tears at last, sir," explained the
CW (and biology) addict....
THEN WHERE?
Two young men met.
"Did you tell your Vietnam vet father about your intention to join the
Army?" asked George.
"No, not yet," answered the first.
"Then where did you get your black eye?"...
STANDING JOKE The following goes as a standing joke among Americans: "The enemy will
never be so stupid as to try to destroy the Pentagon with missiles or bombs
aimed at 'Target No 1'. Doing this the enemy would only put an end to the blatant
incompetence playing havoc there."...
QUICK REPORTING Private Brown was returning back to his unit barracks after leave when he was
held up by some tough guys. He tried to apply what he had learned about self-defense
techniques but was shot, stabbed and beaten up hard and robbed by the thugs.
He crawled painfully on his hands and knees all the way to his barracks. He
inched his way up the steps to the door and up the staircase where he fell at
the sergeant's feet. The sergeant gloated: "Will you explain, Brown, why
you didn't salute officers on your way here? There are a couple of reports on
you already here!"...
SEEING SIGHTS AT SEA A young sailor, recently enlisted, grumbled about his short experience of sea
service: "We joined the sea to see the world (and girls), as they advertised
at the recruiting center. And what did we see? We saw the sea and sea and sea...."...
RELIGIOUS CLASSIFICATION A unit chaplain kept his files of sermons. He had them classified: "Sacred"
and "Top Sacred."...
FIGHTING TERMS Two Army officers' wives were discussing society news.
"Colonel Gilbert's homely daughter announced her engagement but I think
it was just a skirmish."...
TOO HIGH A producer was about to shoot a war film. He was interviewing applicants for
the hero's part. One actor delighted him: "You've got all the earmarks
of a real GI! By the way, what's your salary?"
"$ 1,000 a week," said the Hollywood star. "Sorry," snapped
the producer.
"Privates in the US Army do not get such a high pay!"...
STATEMENT OF PREFERENCE An inspector had made a round of the facilities of the mess and said to the
mess sergeant testily:
"I must say I don't like all the flies in your mess hall."
"Tell me which ones you don't like," said the mess sergeant eagerly,
"and I'll chase them out immediately!"...
OLD SALT Their sailor son was on his first leave at home. "You see, dad and mom,"
he declared, "I've got so used to sea that when I drink water now I have
to put salt into it."...
UNRELIABLE ARCHITECTURE A sailor was showing his girl around his ship. "And this ship has four
screws."
The little thing gasped: "It's a wonder it holds together!"...
Military jokes and humor...
WHO DO I SHOOT? A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear.
No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big
Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt,
who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the
windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders
to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at
this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?" ...
The Snake Model...
Military jokes and humor...
A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan. He'd
been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office. Wishing to
appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend
he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander. He threw Colonel's and
General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo
in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and
the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility. Finally he hung
up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you sergeant?" The TSGT said,
"Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines...
SHOCK At sick bay two sailors met.
"How come the broken jaw?" asked one.
"I asked the Chief for special liberty - it was granted at once."
"But why?"
"My face fell."...