Civil War Humor

Soiled Doves of Gettysburg

There exists some evidence that during the Confederate invasion of Pennsylvania in the summer of 1863, Lee's army was engaged in rounding up escaped slaves and returning them to the South. There has been much speculation as to the fate of those captured blacks and as to who authorized the round-up. The following account explores a much darker, and heretofore unknown, conspiracy.

John Pimpernell's forthcoming book _Soiled Doves of Gettysburg_ dispells many of the myths surrounding Lee's invasion of Pennsylvania. Pimpernell's opening chapter deals with the myth surrounding the allegations of Confederate cavalry rounding up 'ex-slaves'. Pimpernell provides evidence that the gray-clad riders were actually intent on rounding up 'sex slaves'.

The scouring of bordellos for available women was all part of a secret plan concocted by Confederate President Jefferson Davis and Gen. Robert E. Lee to raise an army of loyal rebels deep behind Yankee lines. The plan called for Lee's 75,000 soldiers to find willing partners to whom they could pass along their Southern genes, following which Lee would fall back to Virginia and assume a defensive position for the next 14 years, at which time the products of this brief liason would presumably be old enough to serve in the Confederate army. This army of southern youthdom would then sweep down on the rear of the unsuspecting Army of the Potomac, most of whose soldiers would now be in their forties, and drive them from the sacred soil of Virginia.

The plan began to unravel when a detachment of Gen. A.P. Hill's corps, sent to Gettysburg to get some 'booties', ran into the advance guard of the Union army near a house of ill-repute known locally as 'The Seminary'. Hill himself was absent for much of the battle since he was trying his best to carry out his commander's orders regarding the spreading of sacred Confederate seed. The evidence presented by Pimpernell also suggests that Law's and Pickett's divisions were delayed due to missing their wake-up call.

Following Lee's defeat at Gettysburg the Confederate army limped back to Virginia having only partially accomplished their intended goal. Lee's inability to hold out for the required 14 years (certainly possible if Gen. Meade had been left in charge) left the product of the Gettysburg campaign unable to acheive it's intended purpose. Thus thousands of young would-be Confederates settled near Lancaster, Pa., where they were adopted by accomodating Amish families who raised them as their own. This worked out very well due to their predisposed love of horses and tendancy to wear beards and broad-brimmed hats. The entire plan was deftly covered up by former Confederate Gen. Jubal Early who drew attention away from the true objectives of the campaign with a series of diversionary attacks against former comrade-in-arms James Longstreet.

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