NOT THAT MAD A lunatic who had just escaped from a lunatic ward in Detroit or elsewhere was running past the Army recruiting center with ward orderlies in hot pursuit. The recruiting officer who saw the scene shouted, "Hey, Mac, this is just the occasion for you to join the Army." "Hell no," cried the man, not stopping for a minute, "I may be crazy but I'm not stupid." ...
CONCLUSIVE CHECK The Army recruiting center received a reply on its inquiry at the FBI about the background and record of a volunteer applying for Army service.
The reply said: "We can definitely state that Richmond, Henry is a loyal American citizen, fingerprints including."...
FAMILY QUARREL The commanding officer faced Private Raymond sternly. "Well, Raymond, what do you say? Are you really married as your records say?"
"Why, sure, sir," reported the soldier.
"Then why does the unit censor say you and your wife sending only clean sheets of paper to each other?"
"We've had a quarrel recently and aren't on speaking terms at present, sir." ...

SPARE PARTS A pilot made a crash-landing on a strange airfield. He asked an erk: "Where do I go for spare parts and replacements?"
"The stores are just over there, sir," reported the erk. "Can I help you?"
"Well," said the pilot, limping along, "I want four front teeth, two new ribs and a fresh collar bone."...
SAVING DEFINITION The CO berated the sergeant for untidiness and discomfort in the unit barracks. The sergeant mused: "Barracks is barracks, sir. May be it'll seem less like a barracks if we call it a 'multiple occupancy bachelor pad'." ...
DIFFERENT VIEWS A newly arrived chaplain officer for temporary duty (TDY) at a camp was assigned to BOC (bachelor officers' quarters) near a picturesque body of water. He asked the clerk for a room with a view.
When the chaplain entered the assigned room and looked out the window, he saw a steady stream of WAC women entering and leaving the WAC women officers' quarters ...
IF HE HAD A Pilot was asked: "What should you do if you had wings behind your back?"
"In the first place I would sell my plane," he replied.
...
ONLY TRUTH "How could you stand up in court and say you're the greatest American general of all time?" a friend asked a general who gave some testimony in court some time back. "Wasn't it a bit exaggerated?"

The general pulled himself up and explained, "I was under oath and couldn't commit perjury." ...
NOBODY LISTENS The commander's wife asked her husband at supper at home: "Oh, Peter, darling, how can you look so fresh and relaxed this time of the day, or rather night, after listening to all kinds of troubles and complaints from your many subordinates all day?"
Her husband answered, "Who listens?" ...

SEEING THROUGH Private Wilson appeared at the battalion aid post.
"What's wrong with you, private?" the medico asked, "you certainly have been all shot up."
"Yes, sir," complained the man, "I had so many holes bored through me by bullets, the boys behind me complained of the draft."
"Yes, I can see through you myself. You're a gold brick," stated the doc....
I'm not stupid...
Marine Brains I have this friend who went to the doctor and the doc told him he needed a new brain. The doctor took him down to this room with jars full of brains. My friend looks around and finds a jar that says, Doctor's Brains $1000/oz. "Wow he says I could be a doctor." He looks at the next jar and it says, Surgeon's Brains $10,000/oz. "WOW" he says, "I could be a surgeon." He looks at the next jar and it says, Marine's brains $1,000,000/oz. he looks at the doctor and asks, "Why are the Marine's brains so expensive?"
The doctor looks at him and says, "Do you know how many Marines it takes to make an ounce of brains?" ...
LESS SOPHISTICATION ...
SOLID DEFENSE Private MacJenkins was to appear before a military court on the charge of insulting his sergeant. His defense lawyer addressed the officers' board.
"Gentlemen, Sergeant Bull, the plaintiff, called my client an Irish scoundrel, as the evidence has shown. Now, Captain Olson, I ask you, if he called you a Swedish scoundrel? Or you, Major Milton, if he had called you an American scoundrel? Or any of you, gentlemen of the board, what you have done, if he had called you the kind of scoundrels you all are?"...
HIS SPECIALITY ... AND HOBBY An USAF general was visiting a nuclear research establishment. His guide reported to the chief: "And the general is anxious to see how we bombard the atom. He says bombing operations are his main interest!""Yes, and a hobby," commented the chief....

CARD (SHARP) SHOOTERS The scene was a room in the barracks of a special forces unit in Nevada. Round the table were gathered a gang of card shooters, most notorious in this company. The game was fast and furious, the stakes were high.
Suddenly the dealer flung his cards on the table, and threateningly snatched his SMG.
"Boys", he shouted, "the game ain't straight. Sam ain't playing the hand I dealt him."...
RECORD OF MIS-SPELLING A GI looked through the menu and remarked: "The mess sergeant has set a record of mis-spelling today!"
"What is it?" asked his friend.
"He spelled the word of six letters 'coffee' with all wrong letters (Kauphi)."
"If he meant the coffee in this mess he should have spelled it 'm-u-d'."...
NOTHING OUT OF ORDINARY "I was reading in the paper this morning about a Marine sergeant who was struck by lightning while he was swearing on the drilling grounds. Remarkable occurrence, wasn't it," a soldier said to another.
"Oh, I don't know. If lightning was to strike a drill instructor when he wasn't swearing, it would be much more remarkable."...
MANUALESE There are many jokes about the difficulties of the official language used in the Army. There is even a special word for the intricate obscure language used in manuals-"Manualese". Here's a parody on this in the form of an extract from a technical manual on military cocking for those training to become Army cooks (commonly called "ration destroyers", "belly robbers", etc.). This extract is a familiar proverb disguised.

"Attention is drawn to the undesirability of the overlapping of functions in the preparation of liquid comestibles in catering establishments. It has been established that in cases of reduplication among mess executives a 'deduction in nutritional value and palatability has resulted."
An old proverb has it in six words: "Too many cooks spoil the broth."...
PROPER FORM The commander of a unit, a crusty colonel, came mto his adjutant's office with a letter in his hand and asked curtly: "Haven't these people got the word on the proper form?"
The adjutant replied that the unit probably had not had the necessary instructions at the time of the request, but he was sure, they had them by now.
"Okay. Send this back and have them resubmit the proper form," the colonel barked.
Then he added: "And when it gets back here the answer is 'NO'." ...
WINGS The chaplain delivered a sermon to an audience of airmen in an Air Force unit. A skeptic pilot decided to rub the chaplain. ...
RALPH'S LITTLE BROTHER...
The Green Beret ...
SARGE A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, "Sarge."
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole "Sarge?" he asked.
"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark." ...

Top Holiday Traditions In The Military 9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask...
Green Beret in Heaven...
WAR VETERANS Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really bothers Fred so he asks him, "What's wrong with you?"
The reply is, "I got this in the war."
Fred finds this pretty disturbing so he switches seats.
The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.
So Fred asks him, "What is wrong with you?"
Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."
Fred moves.
The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war?"
His reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand." ...

First Jump Having just completed Jump School, the young trooper boarded the jump plane and hooked up his Static Line. On the command "GO" he exited the plane and his chute emerged tangled up, he cut it free then pulled the ripcord on his reserve chute, and his reserve chute was also tangled up. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a leg troop was coming up with equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to him, as they passed by. The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?" ...
Last Jump ...
Special Forces Ambush...
How you look at it. An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35lb. ruck on his back, 15lb. weapon in his hands, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit". ...

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