FASTER THAN ANYTHING
The sergeant had Just finished his introductory talk to future drivers in an
Army truck unit.
"And I want you guys know that the newest vehicles in the US Army travel
faster than sound. You'll be in the hospital before you even start the motor!"...
HIS VEHICLE
"So what vehicle do you want to drive in the Army, Wilson," a recruit
in the truck transportation unit was asked. "A hearse."
"Why?"
"When I drive I like to stretch out."...
Military jokes and humor. WELL-KNOWN
The son of a war vet said: "My father was a great runner in his young
years."
"Yes, I know," said his father's friend, "I went through the
war with him."
...
TIT FOR TAT
During troop exercises the unit engineers didn't have any booby traps at hand.
So they used the pictures of booby traps planted in all places to be occupied
by the advancing 'aggressor' forces.
After they returned to these places they found the photos of 'enemy' soldiers
near every picture of the booby traps with words 'dead' written on them....
IF NOT ONE THEN ANOTHER
A driver trainee was having a training run with his instructor in a truck.
The truck traveled along at a five-mile-per hour clip. The trainee told the
instructor: "At least we won't be arrested by MPs for speeding."
"No," he agreed, "but we might be for loitering....
PERSONAL QUESTIONS
During the draft times in the USA to get the lowest IQ possible a prospective
draftee answered some personal questions like this: ...
MEDICAL DEFINITION
An Army nurse was asked at an exam: "What is a blood vessel?"
She replied, "A pirate ship."...
MORE PRECISE
At the replacement center recruits were called by names during roll-call. The
sergeant called out: "Grovenybloiverboxburg."
A man answered, "That probably me. But what initials, please?"...
Military jokes and humor. STOP AND REPORT
The sergeant snapped at Private Mills: "Mills, what's the matter? Why
this beard on your mug?"
"But, sergeant," protested the unauthorized beardee, "I'm a man
after all! What do you mean 'why'?"
"I don't care!" roared the noncom. "Stop this nonsense and report
your compliance next morning!"...
RECCO ON THE SPOT
Suddenly the truck column was enveloped in a heavy fog. Drivers didn't know
where they were going and got panicky. Men were sent forward to reconnoiter
the road. Soon a voice came back through the fog.
"Jim, hello."
"Hello," the column leader called out. "Can you tell me where
we're going?" The voice came back through the fog: "Into the river.
I just came out."...
FIRST
"I should see America first," a GI said when they' wanted to ship
him overseas....
Military jokes and humor.
ALL THE SAME NO ESCAPE
(Another one from the draft humor folklore)
It happened in the draft times in the USA.
Two young Americans were discussing those vexatious draft problems. One of them
said: "You know, Sam volunteered for Army service?"
"Did he?" the other exclaimed in disbelief, "Was he really fired
with patriotism and decided to enlist?"
"He was to be drafted the following week anyhow."...
Military jokes and humor. ARDUOUS CLIMBING
Two drunk GIs were returning home to their barracks. By mistake they got on
a railroad line and started weaving along the tracks. One hicked, "Jim,
I never saw such a long ladder with so many steps on the obstacle course in
my service."
The other gurgled, "It's not the steps that bother me, it's the low railing."...
WITHOUT TRACES
(from the folklore stock)
They say that the CIA trains its agents to open safes with their feet. "We
admit," say the CIA experts, "it'll take our agents a longer time
to get desired documents, but, boy, how it will confuse the finger-print experts
from foreign counterintelligence services!"...
YOU CAN'T WIN
Nothing the young staff officer did that day turned out right. Each time he
was given a task it turned into a "bucket of worms" and brought with
it another chewing out. Finally, at close of the day, the colonel gave him a
classified message in which a subordinate commander had asked permission to
do something. Turning to the captain, the colonel said, "Here, tell him
to go ahead. See if you can do THAT right." The captain drafted a very
correct, unclassified reply, with a text of: "1. IAW REF A, PERGRA"*
Knowing he had finally done something right, he handed the smooth message to
the colonel and received the following: "For cripes sake, Jones, can't
you do ANYTHING right? This should be CLASSIFIED."...
Military jokes and humor.
STILL GUARANTEED
The representative of a weapon procuring company was asked if the new cannon
on test with troops couldn't explode in service.
"Out of the question! The company weapons are guaranteed to serve ten years.
This cannon has been in service only 9 years and 364 days."...
Military jokes and humor. UNDUE EFFECTS
A critic of a war play told the director: "Your production is very noisy
- too many shots."
"Yes, but it is a war play," objected the director.
"That's right, but the shots wake up the audience."...
Military jokes and humor.
GRAMMAR RESEARCH
A GI reading a book. His friend cried in surprise: "What's wrong, Jeff?
What book are you reading?"
"English Grammar."
"My God, Grammar of all books! What for?"
"I'd like to know what is the past tense of the word 'Army'?"...
RANK HAPPY
Two young bar-happy lieutenants were discussing where they should go on Sunday.
"I don't want to go to the city park," said one, "Too many privates."
"I guess the stadium is out too," observed the other. "Too many
privates."
A private who happened to overhear them spoke up: "Excuse me, gentlemen,
but if you are looking for a place where there ain't no privates - why don't
you go to hell?"...
NO COMPLAINTS
An inspecting general dropped in at company barracks where he saw a rookie.
"Have you anything to say against your superiors?" he asked.
"Me, not," was the reply. "But they do have."
CAUTIOUS The sergeant commands: "Eyes right!" Everybody in the platoon complies
only Private Brown looks left.
"Why aren't you doing as ordered?" asks the sergeant.
"I'm afraid that the enemy can take us by surprise from the left."...
GOING TO BED
A drunken soldier snoring in a gutter was picked up by an MP patrol and taken
in a jeep to his barracks. The tipsy warrior began taking off his uniform in
the back seat.
"What are you doing, boy?" warns him an MP. "There are yet 10
miles to go to your barracks."
"You should have told me it earlier, man, I have already put my boots out
of the room."...
REDUCING GYMNASTICS A fat officer did his best to avoid physical training. At last he was asked
by his C.O: "What do you do for exercise, Major?"
"I sit around and read mystery stories and let my flesh creep."...
WHAT'S THE DOPE?
The CO called up Private Smith.
"Smith, how do you like dopes and drinks?"
"Before answering I'd like to know, sir, if it is a question or an offer?"...
THROUGH CHANNELS
A staff officer made an inquiry about a certain case to an officer in another
staff section, who allowed the matter to slide.
A few weeks later the first officer addressed a written complaint to the second
officer's superior, and the superior passed on the memorandum with the query,
"Has nothing been done?" The memo was returned marked "Yes"
and was sent back to the subordinate with a laconic "What?"
"Nothing," was the comment on the memo when it was sent back to the
direct superior....
Military jokes and humor. REALISTIC IMITATION The brat of an Army warrant officer once addressed his father: "Dad, I've
been doing sums at school all the time! Do you do any sums at your headquarters?"
"No, computers do them. You only prepare a punch card (it's a card with
holes punched in it) and the machine does the work."
The greatly impressed Johnny ran to join his friends, no less reluctant to apply
mathematical efforts at school, to tell about promising developments in the
counting field.
After some time he returned. His new suit was all ragged, with holes cut into
it with a pair of scissors.
"What's the matter, Johnny. What did you do to your beautiful brand new
suit?" his mother exclaimed in horror.
"We played a computer game and I was the punch card," explained the
brat....
HEY, DOGFACE!
Two second lieutenants were standing on a street corner one evening when a
little mongrel dog trotting by mistook one of them for a fire-plug. The second
lieutenant looked down in amazement.
"How in heck did that dog know I was a second lieutenant?" he cried....
Military jokes and humor. PUTTING HIS FIST DOWN
Sergeant O'Brien was reputed to be the toughest noncom in the Army. One night
while on pass he was whooping it up in a local San Francisco saloon. The more
he drank the noisier he got, until the bartender refused to serve him another
drink.
"What?" roared O'Brien. "Gimme whiskey or I'll rip this whole
joint to pieces!"
With this ultimatum he banged his fist down on the bar -and at that very moment
one of the worst earthquakes in California's history struck.
When the sarge regained consciousness, he was sifting in a mass of debris and
timbers. He grinned happily through broken teeth and bellowed, "Why didn't
somebody tell me I was that strong?"...
PROPER COMPANION A lonely Ranger on leave in a city park dropped a coin in a computer dating
machine. One of the questions asked was: "What's your hobby?" When
he facetiously replied (recalling his special mountain warfare training), "Mountain
climbing" he got a card suggesting a goat as his date....
PAPER WORK
The first sergeant was in the hospital for surgery. His friend, the supply
sergeant, sent him a get-well card with the additional message scribbled inside:
"If they take anything out, make sure they sign for it."...
NOT THE WORSE EVIL
The night was dark. The sentry wanted a smoke.
"Hey, Mac," he shouted to a passer-by. "Gimme a cigarette, will
you?"
Then he noticed that the passer-by was a general.
"I'm sorry, sir," he gasped, snapping to attention. "That's all
right, soldier," said the general.
"You're just lucky I wasn't a second lieutenant!"...