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Distinguished Service Medal Reporter: And how did you win the Distinguished Service Cross?
Private: I saved the lives of my entire regiment.
Reporter: Wonderful! And how did you do that?
Private: I shot the cook. ...

military humor, jokes, navy, service, chief, haircut, army, marines, sailor, sergeant, air force jokes, private, marine

An interesting interpretation of a simple deck of cards. ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Military Haircut Standards MARINES: Heads will be shaved.
ARMY: Stylish flat-tops for all recruits.
NAVY: No haircut standard.
AIR FORCE: Complete make-overs as seen on the ...
THAT'S a business ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Triplet Sons ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
CLERICAL TEST A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible (impossible).
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.
"That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."...

The Chief In Sex Ed Class This old Navy Chief Petty Officer retired. He decided he was going to college to collect his GI Bill benefits. One of the classes the college offered was sex education. The Chief looks at that, and says, "Well, shit, I've copulated with everything that walks or crawls, that should be an easy course for me" and enrolls.
The first day of class, the instructor asks the question "How many positions are there for sexual intercourse?"
The old Chief raised his hand, but instead the teacher called on a good looking young blonde who hadn't raised her hand. She didn't know the answer, and was stalling for time, when the Chief started yelling from the back of the room "32! 32!" over and over continually.
The coed finally stammers "Well, the only one...
Military Duty Hours MARINES: Reveille at 05:00, train until 20:00.
ARMY: Reveille at 06:00, train until 19:00.
NAVY: Get out of bed at 09:00, train until 11:00....
AIR FORCE: Awaken at 10:00, breakfast in bed, train from 11:00 to 12:00, lunch at 12:00, train from 13:00 to 14:00, nap at 14:00, awaken from nap at 15:00, training ceases at 15:00. ...

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REALISTIC SIMULATION An Order of the Day stated that Private John Fleming was getting two days' arrest because during a tactical field exercise he had to simulate a personnel carrier and foolishly jumping across a ditch broke one wheel."...
Are you a real MARINE? ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Trainee promotion ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Officers and NCO's ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Military Decorations & Award Standards MARINES: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.
ARMY: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, every grenade thrown, every fitness test passed, and every bed made.
NAVY: Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired.
AIR FORCE: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers anyway....
LITTLE BOY BLUE Capt. Charles Blue, was stationed in a remote area of Newfoundland during part of World War II. His wife was at home in Nova Scotia anxiously awaiting the birth of their third child. The only means of communication was the military radio, which could not be used for personal messages no matter how important. Blue was sure he would not get news of his child's birth. But a fellow officer in Yarmouth, N.S., cut through the red tape and relieved the anxiety with this wireless message:
LITTLE BOY BLUE ARRIVED STOP BLOW YOUR HORN STOP...
Military Career Field Management MARINES: All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
ARMY: It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment anyway.
NAVY: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what in the hell sailors in ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway.
AIR FORCE: Every recruit will be ....
Never Trust a Sailor ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
TO BE EATEN ONLY At a Ranger survival site in the desert an instructor was walking by a group of students just before dark. They were all watching a pot on the fire. Since they were supposed to eat only food they had found themselves the instructor went over to see what they were preparing. The first man said he put in frog legs, the next a handful of ants, the next some local snakes, and so on around the circle.
The instructor decided to wait and see if they were going to eat it. After about 30 minutes, he asked when they were going to eat: "As soon as it's too dark to see," came the reply....

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Carving them in stone... One of the directors at the NASA Test Facility in Bay Saint Louis, Miss., was known for his inflexible edicts, which he invariably sent in writing, and for which he insisted on a signed receipt declaring that the orders had been received and understood. One day we were rerouting an underground pipe through his office and had to use a jackhammer to break through the concrete floor. I was standing in the hall to get away from the noise and dust when a couple of the director's assistants came by. One commented to the other in a hushed, reverent tone, "Good God, now he's carving them in stone!"...
Why did I Marry a Sailor? ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
R/T IN RHYME A radio check between patrols in jungles was overheard: "Eeny, meeny, miney, mo, how do you read my radio?"
Not to be outdone, his counterpart operator on the receiving end replied: "Fe, fi, fo, fum, loud and clear with a little hum."...
LIBERALIZATION PROGRAM A new enlistee had to have his long hair and sideburns cut. As he sat down in the barber chair, the barber asked, to his surprise, if he'd like to keep his sideburns.
"Oh, yes!" he said gratefully. Whereupon the barber cut off the sideburns and said, "Here — catch!"...
NO PLACE LIKE HOME A busload of new recruits arrived at the reception center, and was greeted by an old drill sergeant. He began his speech: "Welcome to Fort Dix, men. From now on, I want you to think of the Army as your family and as your home."
Hearing this, one of the recruits broke formation, sat down and lit a cigarette.
"Private, what on earth are you doing?" asked the sergeant.
"Well," said the private, "I'm just making myself at home. Like you said, this is my home."
Thinking fast, the sergeant said...

military humor, jokes, navy, service, chief, haircut, army, marines, sailor, sergeant, air force, private, marine

Haircut ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Carrier Humor A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his carrier one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him....
ERRATA An irate retired colonel stormed into a newspaper office in a great fume.
"In a feature you referred to me as 'battle-scared' instead of 'battle-scarred'."
"We are awfully sorry, colonel," apologized the editor, "We'll rush through an urgent correction."
The retake called the colonel...

military humor, jokes, navy, service, chief, haircut, army, marines humor, sailor jokes, sergeant, air force, private, marine

God Tests Navy Seals Intellegence ::: Military jokes and humor daily...
Service A retired corporal was telling a friend how he handled officers during his service years. "It didn't matter if he was a general, an admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I told those guys exactly where to get off.
"Wow," his friend said. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon." ...
I want a divorce This soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling around on his wife. She was back home in the states. She found out about it through some anonymous letters.
The soldier gets a package from his wife. He finds inside a batch of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favorite stateside TV shows.
He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape. They're all having a great time eating the cookies and watching episodes of "South Park".
Right in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts to a home video of the soldier's wife, on her knees, giving the soldier's best friend oral sex.
After a few seconds, the best friend "does his business" and she turns, on camera, and spits it right into . . . a mixing bowl of cookie dough.
The wife then looks right into the camera and says, "I want a divorce."...

military humor, jokes, navy, service, chief, haircut, army, marines, sailor, sergeant, air force, private, marine

Balls study After a two year-long study (at taxpayers expense), the Department of Defense announced the following results on the recreational preferences of military personnel:

1. The sport of choice for E-1, E-2 & E-3: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for E- 4 & E-5: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for E-6, E-7 & E-8: Football
4. The sport of choice for O-1, O-2 & O-3: Baseball....

SAUCE FOR THE PROPAGANDA It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “My God; the cook’s working for the Germans!” ...
PLAYING THE DIRTY DOZENS Two old men, Bill and Joe, were sitting on a porch reminiscing about World War II.
“It was a real struggle,” said Bill.
“I know what you mean,” said Joe.
“I remember I was struggling all the way. I fought and I fought, and I fought, and when I thought I was tired out, I found the strength to carry on fighting another day.”
“Yup.”
“But it didn’t matter, because in the end they made me join the Army anyway.”...

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