PROMOTION
A Navy officer was shipwrecked and found himself in the hands of wild cannibals.
"What's your grade?" asked the cannibal chief. "I'm a commander,"
the officer replied. "Good," said the cannibal chief. "Tomorrow
you be Commander-in-Chief." ...
GI Joe and Barbie
One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store.
The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.
The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."
The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with
GI Joe."
The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes
with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken." ...
MORE TERRA, LESS TERROR...
CATEGORIES IN SEA RESCUE
A psychology expert observed that sea rescue operations from the shore may
be conducted by two category of rescuers. A conservative rescuer is a man who
throws a 25-foot rope to a person drowning 50 feet from shore, and shouts encouragement
for him to swim the other half for the good of his character.
A liberal rescuer throws a 50-foot rope to a person only 25 feet from shore
and, after throwing it, lets go off the other end, and walks away to do another
good deed....
TRIAL MODEL
A trainee pilot was asked: "What model of plane
do you fly?"
He answered: "It's a tri-engine plane." "What do you mean, the
tri-engine plane?"
"Well, it has two engines, so if one goes bad, we try the other."...
Kiss
Four people are riding in a small passenger car compartment on a long train
ride cross country. On one seat, a young, beautiful lady sits next to her grandmother.
Across from them, an Army general sits next to his young lieutenant....
DOUBLE
The reporter asked a pilot: "How did you frighten off the enemy planes?"
The war ace replied: "Well, the fact is I was so mad I was beside myself!"
"Really? So what's happened?"
"Oh, they thought I was flying a two-seater."...
AIR HOLES
"What happened to 'ee, lad?" asked a country-man of a bewildered
airman who crashed on a lonely moor in the Southwest of England. "I got
into air pocket," replied the airman. '"Ee doan't say!" exclaimed
the countryman. "And war there a 'ole in it?"...
99 men without Cox ::: Military Jokes. Military humor....
The last day
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the
second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the
first thing you would do?"...
Juan
keywords: military jokes, military humor, war, air force, general, marine
Mexican American War Joke During the Mexican American War, an intense long standoff occurred
along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances.
Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican
trenches and yelled, "Hey, Juan!"
A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" The general shot him dead.
This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it
out. He called out, "Hey, John!"
An American replied, "John isn't here. Is that you Juan?"
The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah" . . . ...
Retirement bonus ::: Military Jokes. Military humor....
Bravest men ::: Military Jokes. Military humor....
I broke glasses when I was kissing my girl ::: Military Jokes. Military
humor....
FLY—FLEW—FLOWN Two friends met. "Hello, Bill, old man. It's a long time since you've
been home. Was your leave postponed again?"
"Yes," answered his friend airman, "I've finished six weeks in
hospital."
"Really? Flue, I suppose?"
"Yes," sadly confirmed the airman, and added, "And crashed as
well." ...
SEA ADVENTURES
An old salt was telling his endless tale of sea adventures but this time about
a friend of his.
"That friend was the cook of a wind jammer. Once he got into a terrible
shipwreck and found himself on an island in the hands of a band of savage cannibals.
When the cannibals were preparing for a feast he said to the cannibal's chief:
"Going to eat me, I take? But you wouldn't like me,' he declared solemnly.
He took out his pocket knife, sliced a piece from the calf of his leg, and handed
to the chief. 'Try it, and see for yourself,' he urged. The chief took one bite,
grunted, and spat. 'The dinner is off!' he ordered.
"My friend had a cork leg," concluded his tale the old salt....
How to tell you're an Old Soldier ::: Military Jokes. Military humor....
Brave Men ::: Military Jokes. Military humor....
England ::: Military Jokes. Military humor....
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Proposal for New "Official" Army Terms, FYI ::: Military Jokes. Military
humor....
Oaths of Enlistment. U.S. AIR FORCE. U.S. ARMY. U.S. NAVY. U.S. MARINE CORPS...
COLORED TROOPS During WWII a train load of colored troops was scheduled to arrive at a port
city to await being shipped overseas. There were a dozen or so colored whores
waiting at the station to get a look at the new blood coming in. As the train
pulled to a stop, a big white sergeant stepped off. One of the whores asked,
"I thought this was supposed to be colored troops?" The sergeant said,
"Well, I've got colored privates." She said, "Well ain't you
the lucky one!!" ...
Philosophical military question...
If a Stealth bomber crashes into a forest, does it make a sound? ...
keywords: military jokes, military humor, war, air force, general, marine
Gulf War General Norman Schwarzkopf was viewing the battlefield in the aftermath of
Desert Storm when he kicked something in the sand. Upon closer inspection, he
noticed it was a lamp and began to rub it. Out popped a genie who granted the
general one wish. General Schwarzkopf pulled out a map of the Middle East and
said, "I would like to have peace for this entire region. ""Sorry,"
the genie replied. "That is impossible." Schwarzkopf folded the map
and began to walk away. "Hey, wait a minute! "the genie called. "You
can still have a wish." The general thought for a moment then said, "OK,
I'd like to see the Denver Broncos win the Super Bowl."...
How Many Jumps?
Two soldiers were overheard talking at a Canadian Jump Bivouac at CFB Petawawa,
On, Canada.
As they looked skyward towards the descending parachutes one said "I have
over 245 jumps to my credit"
The other said "yeah I have over 300 myself"
Then they both turned to a WW II Veteran standing nearby and asked " How
many jumps do you have?"
The old veteran sighed and said "Just the one sons, just the one"
The two soldiers puffed out their chest and added their jumps were all over
the world, and asked the old vet where his one little jump was.
"NORMANDY" came the reply. ...
keywords: military jokes, military humor, war, air force, general, marine
Navigating to the Base
Two young pilots had had too many drinks in the local tavem. On their way
back to the base they got lost.
Suddenly one of them stopped and said, "Hey, Joe, we'ze ina shemetery.
Here's a gravestone."
"Whosh is it?" asked Joe.
The aviator lit a match, looked at the stone, and said, "Don' know hish
name, but he sure wash an old man. Says hunert and twenty."
"Wow," exclaimed his buddy. "Maybe he wash Methuselah?' The aviator
lit another match.
"Nope" he reported. "It was shum guy named Miles to Chatham."...
Leftovers The mess sergeant was lecturing about waste. "You men have got to make
better use of our leftovers. For instance, what can we do wfth left-over carrots?"
Nothing but puzzled shrugs came from the men.
"OK, so you can't figure R. You can make carrot pie. That's what you can
do with leftover carrots. Doesn' it make sense?"
The sergeant paused to give them a chance to absorb his words. Then he asked,
"Any questions?"
A hand was raised and a voice asked, "Sir, what can you do wfth the leftover
pie?"...
The Enemy At Da Nang, a tough, experienced Marine lieutenant was indoctrinating a group
of men fresh in for service in his platoon. "Don't never sell these boys
out here short! They're rough, tough, real blitzers! Never mind what you learnt
in trainin', fergft all that jazz and remember they're battle-tough and take
no sh*t. Don't let lem out of your sight. If they jump fer cover, you jump,
too. Don't never take your eye off 'em."
One GI piped up, "Just how near to the Viet Cong are we, Lieutenant?"
"Who the hell said anything about the VC?" the off icer shouted, "I'm
talking about my own Gunnies!"...
SALTPETER Two octogenarian War veterans regularly got together for dominoes and bullshit.
At one such session one of them asked, "Henry, what was that stuff they
used to put in our food during the war to keep our peckers from getting hard?"
Henry said, "It was saltpeter." The other guy said, "You know,
I believe that shit is finally starting to work." ...
Air Force pre-promotion exam (verbal)
...two Air Force E-3's were being interviewed for a single promotion slot to
E-4.
They were told they would be administered a verbal quiz...as each had successfully
completed all other prerequisite "evals" ad it was now down to the
last test.
The question: Complete the following and spell the missing word:
"Ol MacDonald had a ------------!"
The first zoomie scratched his head, repeating over and over, "I have heard
that often before. But I can only remember the word...which is FARM...but I
simply cannot recall how to spell it."
The examiner turned to zoomie # 2 who responded, "Heck, THAT one is easy.
It is E-I-E-I-O". He was immediately promoted.
...
US Army Basic Training Manual ::: Military Jokes. Military humor. Fun documents....
keywords: military jokes, military humor, war, air force, general, marine