The following excerpts were taken from the proposed US Army Basic Training
Manual...to be supposedly adopted sometime later this year by the Commander-in-Chief...via
Executive Order 1369
Basic Instructors will tone down their voices so as not to insult the recruits....
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
Personal Protection from Nuclear blasts...If you fart consistently for 6 years
and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Combat First Aid..... The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Sexual Harassment 101..... A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Use of the Kevlar Helmet....Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
an hour.
Sexual Harassment 102.....Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure.
Basic Survival...insects... On average people fear spiders more than they do
death.
Request C.O. Audience.... The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Weight Control... Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day....and...
every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Alcohol Abuse..... You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than
by a poisonous spider.
Political Correctness...... Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
longer than left-handed people do.
World History...and personal hygience.. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every
hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Survival in the Swamps..... A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Be All You Can Be..... The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the govt pay for this research??)
Cold Weather operations..... Polar bears are left handed.
Field Rations..... The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds; that makes the catfish
rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
Airborne Indoctrination.... The flea can jump 350 times its body length; It's
like a human jumping the length of a football field.
Leadership on the battlefield: Loss of Non-Coms and officers.... A cockroach
will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)
Sexual harassment 103....... Some lions mate over 50 times a day.. (In my next
life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity!)
Field Sanitation....... Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, ****)
More on Airborne Training..... Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Use of Night Vision Scopes..... A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
Infra-red technology..... An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Command and Staff College..... Starfish don't have brains.