The Top 15 Signs of Special Treatment in the Military

1. Drill Sergeant: "I don't care WHO your daddy... oh, carry on, sir."
2. He's the first soldier allowed to "telecombat."
3. "Drop and give me fifty! Push-ups or dollars, whichever you prefer!"
4. Monday 0800 hours: 16 mile hikes with full packs.
   Him: stay in bed, eat bon-bons and watch The View, then escort General's teenage daughter Crystal to bikini-waxing session.
5. Read my lips: no combat duty.
6. "Monsieur Thurmond, we're starting the campaign against the Tsar, you stay here and guard the vineyards."
7. His drill sergeant: Isabella Rosselini.
   His orders: sing "Blue Velvet" again.
8. Fatigues by Armani, boots by Gucci, canteen by Prada
9. She doesn't get a recording of Taps every night -- she gets a live performance of Riverdance.
10. They count his rides in the 25-cent plane outside the supermarket as "time in a flight simulator."
11. His orders are to patrol Malibu beach in case of Serbian attack.
12. He still uses the Cub Scout salute.
13. Awarded the Purple Heart for stubbing his toe during Macarena contest and chipping his tooth on a margarita glass while on a top secret mission in a Tijuana brothel.
14. Every night at Taps, finds a chocolate impaled on his bayonet.
    
    and the Number 1 Sign of Special Treatment in the Military...
    
    
15. "This is your room with a view of the eighteenth hole, Private Bush, and if there's anything else I can do to make your stay in boot camp more comfortable, please just ask for Drill Sergeant Nowicki."

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