Blitish sailor In a bar all night (how unusual?) time comes and the bar shouts "Time
up!". In comes Robert Mugabe, a late caller. "Sorry", says the
barman but 'time' has already been called." Robert or 'Bob' goes up to
the British sailor and takes his drink. The sailor fights like mad and gets
his drink back (miraculously unspilt). He dust himself down, and fairly drunk,
looks at the barman and says.."Gee, give a gorilla a fur coat and he thinks
he owns place." ...
First
The long-awaited day came at last when Mother took us to the station to welcome
Father home from the war. My brother Harry, who had been very small when Father
went overseas and couldn't remember what he looked like, was watching everything
intently. ...
NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION
An old vet who was a commo man in the Army during the last war felt that he
was getting rather
hard of hearing. So he decided to use some aids but the real hearing aid was
too expensive and he went
to a hardware store, bought some wire and put it in his ear....
CLOCK WATCHER Private Klowsson was late from his leave. The sergeant barked: "Why are
you late? You've got three watches on your wrists!"...
AGAIN ONE ON DRAFT It happened in the draft times in the USA. A man was examined by the eye doctor
at the draft board. The doctor pointed at a letter in the bottom line of the
table and asked: "What letter is this?"...
WINDY The weather was really windy and a soldier said to his buddy: "When I
was stationed in Florida there was such a heavy wind that you had only to walk
out of the barracks, stretch out your arms to yawn, and the next thing you knew
you were flying over the place."...
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NEVER
The sergeant was screaming at the private who seemed to be completely out of
step....
Fire When Ready, Gridley
This correspondence was recently unearthed in Annapolis...
PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE Applying for a job the man said to the personnel manager: "No, I'm not
married, but I learned to take orders in the Army."...
DESERT OPERATIONS
(American Way)
A US general, notorious as a rabid proponent of the so-called 'ecological warfare,'
at last landed himself where such maniacs actually belong-in a lunatic asylym.
In his ward he was perorating about his exploits in the military field before
a group of attentive mates....
MILITARY SECRET
Father told his schoolboy son to mail a letter he had written to an Army friend....
The Fighting Sailor
In the 60's there was a Navy sailor who had for weeks been assisting in the
landing of infantry in Vietnam. The sailor was fed-up with the work on the ship.
He craved action, so he attached himself to one of the combat units and soon
arrived at Hill 248. ...
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RICH CHOICE An Army cook announced: "We have a menu with a rich choice in our mess."
...
First Aid
A group of U.S. soldiers arriving in Macedonia found themselves taking a surprise
refresher course on first aid. Following an involved lesson on making splints,
dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided
to determine how well the class had grasped the information given. ...
SIMPLE SOLUTION The philosophical problem of correlation of space and time which has always
occupied the minds of the greatest thinkers of mankind was once practically
solved by an Army sergeant who gave the following order to a fatigue party:
"You, men, will dig here a ditch from this fence and until dinner time!"...
At-Home Training Course for Naval Officers
All you have to do to become a Surface Warfare or Supply Officer is complete
the at-home training curriculum in the following pipelines: ...
SECURITY RISK The Security Officer reported to the commander: "I think, sir, Sergeant
Morrison should be discharged from service as unreliable for security reasons."...
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Divorce Two years ago a soldier from my unit in Germany told me he witnessed the following
story. When he was deployed for the Gulf War, another guy received a videotape
from home. The first part contained greetings from his parents and brothers
and sisters. The second part had his favorite TV shows from the US. The third
part was a pornographic movie scene involving two men and a woman wearing a
mask. At the end of that scene, the woman turned to the camera, took off her
mask and said, " I told you I wanted a divorce!" ...
SIMPLE PROBLEM The tactics instructor was putting a group of cadets through a tactical problem:
"Cadet Blimps," he asked sternly, "If you were on a mounted reconnaissance
patrol as a patrol leader and sighted an enemy patrol pursuing you along at
sixty miles an hour, what would you do?"...
MIL OPS IN A PEACEFUL ENVIRONMENT (MOPE) Does anyone out there remember Cyprus? I didn't think so.
The truth is, save for the Cdn Ab Reg't in 1974, Cyprus was a non-event as far
as mil ops are concerned. Given the times and location, if you can remember
being on the "island of love" you weren't there.
Why am I bringing this up? Bosnia has become the "Cyprus" of the new
millenium. It's Cyprus without the climate, walking out policy, booze, naked
Scandinavian goddesses and a sense of humour.
Yes it is ,in fact, Hell on earth. The following article is a guide to commanders
to help you ensure that your unit will experience a good MOPE.
AN OVERVIEW OF CANADIAN FORCES INVOLVEMENT IN SFOR.
Pre-deployment Training...
School of Infantry ::: Military humor and jokes....
School of Infantry Piles out side the gates at school of Inf
1-torches
2-sleeping bags
3-spare DPCUs
3-changes of jocks and socks
4-gear for cleaning cups canteens, etc
5-personal cleaning gear
6-any cleaning gear not covered by numbers 4&5
7-any item that isn't dpcu, green or brown
8-anything that can't be used to maim the enemy...
Arrived in the Falklands ::: Military humor and jokes....
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TRAGIC END
A war veteran wound up a long-winded story on his feats of valor....
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DOES NOT APPLY TO SERGEANTS A soldier asked his sergeant: "Is it right that men descend from apes?"
...
LAST ROUND
The OD checks up a sentry. ...
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ON THE DOUBLE
At the reception a clerk was putting down the names of inductees....
FIGHTER PILOT PEARLS
It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating
procedure. ...
MG RATTLE The defenders of the position were in desperate plight in the face of furious
assaults by the determined superior enemy. To top all, the defenders had run
out of ammunition. Then the only surviving sergeant had a brilliant idea: "Hey,
men, shake your heads. The enemy may take the rattle for bursts of machine gun
fire!"...
NO TRUST
During the promotion consideration period the Personnel Officer was interviewing
Major Jackson....
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