A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ arguing. The Colonel says sex is 90%
work and only 10% pleasure. The Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and
10% work. They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate. The only person
around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him his opinion. He
asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead.
He answers, "Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say
it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it,
you SOB's would have me doing it!"
INTERVIEW
Legionnaires ::: Military jokes and humor
SAY IT AGAIN, OVER Said the private to the captain: "When you came to take over command
of our outfit two weeks ago, you told us what a good man you are. Tell me it
again, sir. I'm getting discouraged."
One For The CAV!
The Accident A young Army private pulled up to the main gate of the Army post. The MP noticed
that his windshield was busted and that the car's bumper was covered with blood,
leaves, and twigs.
Concerned, he asked, "What happened?"
"I was in an accident ... I ran over a First Sergeant," the private
replied.
"Well, that explains the broken windshield and blood on the grill, but
what's with the twigs and leaves?"
"I had to chase him all through the park!"
Heaven A Lieutenant, a Colonel, and a Sergeant Major were all killed in a common
disaster, and arrived in Heaven together, where they were met by St. Peter.
St. Peter asked them, "What would you like the people on Earth to say about
you?"
The Lieutenant said, "I would like them to say I was a great family man
and an inspiration to my children."
The Colonel said, "I would like them to say I was a great military leader."
The Sergeant Major said, "I would like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!"
Physics Problem Given: A cliff 733 meters high, 2 degrees north of the Equator. The temperature
is 50 degrees C. The Wind is from the NE at 4 knots.
If you take a First Sergeant, who weighs 190 pounds, and a Sergeant Major who
weighs 193 pounds and drop them both off of this cliff at the same time, who
will hit the ground first?
ANSWER: Who Cares?
Returning from Remote
SICK JOKE A paratrooper was on sick call.
"I can't find anything wrong with you, soldier. Why are you at sick call?"
asked the doc.
"I don't know. I just don't feel jumpy."
AMPHIBIANS Little Herbert was trying to fill in a crosswords.
"Daddy, what do they call those creatures which live both on land and water?"
"Sailors," readily consulted him his father.
ARMY EDUCATION A new soldier wrote home to his mother:
"Dear Ma,
You spent twenty years trying to teach me to get up early in the morning, hang
up my clothes, shine my shoes, eat a balanced breakfast and go to bed early.
Now I get in the Army and learn the whole business in two weeks.
Love,
Joe"
There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She was
feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military
base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant. "Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on
Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no
Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I
speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your
kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer
the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the
blackest boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.
"But... But... There must be some mistake," she
stammered. One of them replied, "No ma'am, lieutenant
Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."
West Point jokes. Military Academy Jokes Q: Why do West Point graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror?
A: To justify their handicap parking.
Private, Soldier joke. Private parts A soldier went into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.
Waking up from the amnesties he saw his doctor standing at his bedside. "So
tell me Doc, what is did you find out?"The Doctor said, "Son we have
some good news and some bad news." "Yea, so???" replied the patient.
"Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts."
"Yeah, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?"
"We put them under your pillow..."
BETTER SOMETHING THAN NOTHING An Army soldier, aboard a transport ship, after a very long cruise in the
open sea, at last saw something far away. He asked a sailor: "Hey, Mac,
what's that over there?"
"It's horizon."
"Horizon? Thanks God, at least something is better than nothing but sea,
sea and again sea," remarked the landlubber wistfully.
WAY OUT The wing commander in a bomber force was summoned to the highest headquarters
because of a number of aircraft accidents.
Looking up, the general addressed the officer tersely: "The next time there
is an accident in your wing, you had better be in it. Dismissed."
FLY BOY Making inspection of a basic training camp an officer found himself in the
company of the new mess sergeant of the kitchen. After taking a good look around
the officer turned to the sergeant and said, "Everything seems to be good
shape except one thing. There are too many flies in here."
The sergeant wrinkled his brow and thought back of his manual for a moment.
"Yes, sir," he replied. "How many am I allowed?"
NO HIGH TRICKS Military personnel used the hotel for a stopover and the management had problems
with persons leaving with bills unpaid.
The clerk assigned an airman a room on the tenth floor. "Any baggage?"
he asked.
"Only my parachute," the man replied.
After giving the airman a quizzical look, the clerk said: "Change that
for Room 205 on the second floor."
OVERCAST A witty weatherman defined overcast this way:
"Not a sky in the clouds."
STILL SAFER Aboard a troop transport an infantry soldier asked a naval officer: "Is
it right, sir, that the depth in this place is 10,000 feet?"
"No, man, it's only 1,000."
"What a relief!" exclaimed the GI. "I can't swim at all."
NOW TOO LATE A soldier in a missile unit commented regretfully to his friend:
"I suppose we couldn't put Colonel Gordon in a rocket and send him into
outer space."
"Why not?"
"No good now. We ought to have done it years ago. They are bringing them
back!"
Playing Golf ::: Military jokes and humor
WRONG MENU A famous admiral who was known for many adventures at sea was invited to a
party where he was asked to retell about some of his fantastic experiences.
"You know," he said, "I had been living for three years among
cannibals after a shipwreck... ."
"I am awfully sorry," said the lady of the house appologetically,
"I didn't know about it, and today you'll have to satisfy yourself with
some veal at dinner."
THE PLACE THAT MATTERED One airman asked another: "I hear they are dismissing Lieutenant Coolidge
from flying. Was it on the ground that he was incompetent as a pilot?"
FLIGHTS AND FLIGHTS A listener had been listening to a bragging pilot in the USAF uniform, telling
fanciful tales about his wonderful flights for a while, then commented:
"Now I've understood fully the expression 'Flight of Fancy'."
Real Sergeants ::: Military jokes and humor
IMITATION Ever seen two boys about to start fighting and heard them challenging each
other: "My big brother can kick your brother!"
The following dialogue was recorded between two soldiers who had a hot argument
about to result in a hand-to-hand fight: "My C.0. can whip your C.0. with
his hand tied behind his back!"
Saddam Hussein ::: Military jokes and humor
A Hard Night
Air Force Approach: Eagle 13, turn right to 330.